Florida dentist puts down payment on yacht as state ceases fluoridation of water

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local dentist Dr. Chaz Rigby has never believed in divine intervention—until now.

“I was perfectly content patching up the meth-mouth epidemic one cracked molar at a time,” Rigby said Monday, polishing a promotional gold tooth with his initials engraved in it. “But now that Florida is gutting fluoride from public water? Buddy, I just wired a down payment for a 40-foot yacht.”

Rigby is just one of many Florida dental professionals bracing for a statewide oral health apocalypse following guidance from Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo, who has recommended municipalities cease adding fluoride to their drinking water, calling the decades-old public health measure “neurotoxic mind poison” and “a known enemy of the freedom molecule.”

The guidance follows months of press conferences and X (formerly Twitter) posts from Ladapo, where he repeated claims made by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Secretary of Health and Human Services, including that fluoride lowers IQ and causes neuropsychiatric disorders in children. No peer-reviewed data was cited, though Ladapo did mention “a vibe I had.”

“Adding fluoride to water increases the risk of neuropsychiatric disease in children and reduces their IQ,” Ladapo posted last fall. “We can strengthen teeth without consuming this neurotoxin.”

X promptly added a community note pointing out that none of the studies Ladapo referenced actually found any statistically significant link between fluoride and cognitive decline. The note has since been removed, presumably to better support Florida’s new ‘Feelings-Based Science’ initiative.

Despite overwhelming scientific consensus, nearly two dozen Florida cities and counties—ranging from Miami-Dade to Niceville—have moved to end fluoridation. While the change has alarmed public health experts and pediatric dentists, it’s thrilled those like Rigby, who sees opportunity between every molar.

“When we first got the memo, I thought it was a prank,” Rigby said, laughing while flipping through luxury boat catalogs. “But then I saw Surgeon General Ladapo’s face on TV and realized—no, this is real. This is Florida.”

Secretary Kennedy Jr., reached while shirtless and waist-deep in what he described as a “natural detox pond” near a sewage treatment facility, praised Florida’s decision.

“This is fucking awesome,” Kennedy said, spitting out a frog. “Fluoride is bad. I read it in a dream. Or maybe on Telegram. Either way, the frogs agree.”

Pressed on how this would benefit children, Ladapo responded vaguely.

“Children are smaller adults,” he said, nodding. “They deserve unmodified water, free from any molecule that has letters in its name. That’s just science.”

Not everyone is popping champagne over Florida’s fluoride rollback. Dr. Marcy Lindholm, a pediatric dentist with over 20 years of experience, says she’s already bracing for the “great enamel extinction.”

“Within six months, we’re going to see kids’ teeth looking like they’ve been gnawed on by raccoons,” said Lindholm, who runs a children’s dental clinic just outside Gainesville. “It’s going to be baby tooth Armageddon. I’m ordering extra laughing gas and therapy dogs now.”

Lindholm said she’s spent her career trying to prevent dental decay in underserved communities. Fluoridated water, she explained, was a key tool in closing the dental care gap.

“It’s cheap. It works. And unlike flossing, nobody has to pretend they’re actually doing it,” she said.

The Florida Department of Health’s decision, according to Lindholm, is “like banning seatbelts because someone on Facebook said their cousin once got bruised.”

She added that while she supports freedom, she draws the line at “freedom from molars.”

When asked about her colleague Dr. Chaz Rigby’s celebratory yacht purchase, Lindholm scoffed.

“I hope it sinks,” she said, “but only metaphorically. I’m not a monster.”

She concluded with a plea: “Parents, please start brushing your kids’ teeth. And if you see Joseph Ladapo, hand him a toothbrush and ask him to explain it to your 3-year-old with five cavities.”

Meanwhile, the Florida Dental Association released a one-line statement: “We’re hiring.”

Rigby says he’s prepared to meet the moment. “I’m already stocking up on veneers, bridges, and four new assistants named Kaylee,” he said. “Because the only thing more American than liberty is exploiting its unintended consequences for profit.”

His yacht is scheduled for delivery in late August. The nameplate, he confirmed, will read: No Fluoride, All Tide.