With voting done, lawmakers now have time to read what’s in the “Big, Beautiful Bill”

WASHINGTON – Republican members of the House of Representatives are celebrating their monumental win on Capitol Hill today as the “Big, Beautiful Bill” will be sent to President Trump’s desk for signature into law after an all-night marathon of attempting to secure enough votes to pass the bill.

Now that the formalities are completed, these lawmakers are gearing up for the most challenging part of their job, actually reading what the hell they just fought the Democrats so hard to pass into law.

“That sucker was over 900 pages long; you can’t expect us to actually read all that mumbo jumbo before voting on it,” said Blake Moore (R-UT). “That’s basically like reading a Stephen King novel, a non-illustrated one at that. But now that this big, beautiful thing is on its way to President Trump’s desk, I think tonight I’ll curl up with a blanket by the fireplace with a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and finally read this masterpiece of legislation. I can’t wait to see what silly nonsense my colleagues across the aisle had their panties all in a bunch about.”

By the time voting was complete, 13 Republican members of the House either voted no or didn’t vote at all, giving many people high hopes that this bill, which many have dubbed the worst spending bill in the history of the United States, would fall dead in its tracks. However, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson refused to close the voting—a right he has as speaker—until he could secure enough votes from those who decided to break party lines. Eventually, the bill was passed by a 218-214 margin.

“It’s really disappointing that the Republican holdouts folded under the pressure of President Trump and Speaker Johnson to pass such an objectively horrible bill,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “Thousands of Americans are going to lose their health insurance, children are going to lose their food, and we’re going to take on trillions of dollars in debt just so billionaires can get a bigger tax break. It’s sickening.”

President Donald Trump praised House Republicans for their ability to get the legislature passed before his proposed July 4th deadline, so that he can ceremoniously sign the bill, which will also grant him more power by legally allowing him to tell the courts who’ve blocked his unconstitutional executive orders to “fuck off, I can do what I want”, on the anniversary of the day we sent the world’s most famous break-up letter to the last person who said, “fuck off, I can do what I want.”

“I’m proud of all the Republican lawmakers who listened to their daddy,” said Trump. “This big, beautiful bill will make America great again.”

However, many experts believe this bill won’t make America great again unless you’re in the top 1%. Dr. Dennis Funk, a Pulitzer Prize winning economist says the bill has a whole bunch of shit giftwrapped in shiny campaign promises.

“Take no tax on tips for example,” said Funk. “That was one of the big promises the President made on the campaign trail and it looks like he came though on that promise in this bill but let’s look at how it’ll really work. First, it’s really a tax deductible, rather than tax-free money. You will still be taxed normally in your paycheck, but you’ll deduct it from your taxes every year. It’s also capped at $25,000, which doesn’t sound bad until you realize that if you make less than $50,000 a year, you’re going to be taxed much higher than before. So, in reality, the whole thing is kind of a wash.”

The Big Beautiful Bill also projected to increase energy costs for Americans by 30% because it repeals the Biden-era Inflation Reduction Act, which will negatively affect clean energy development, tax credits, and force higher demands on fossil fuels, potentially driving up costs.

It will also have a negative impact on many rural hospitals, which heavily rely on Medicaid reimbursements, forcing many to close or limit their services. The bill is projected to cut more than $1 trillion from Medicaid funding. While the bill does include a $25 billion allowance for rural medical facilities, experts believe this is insufficient compared to what is being cut, creating the potential for a serious threat to rural America.

“Huh, I didn’t think all of this was in there,” said Moore. “I guess the Dems were right about something for once. I’m sure it’ll be fine, though. Right?”