No, DeSantis won’t get alligators with freakin’ lasers on their heads

TALLAHASSEE, Fl. – When Gov. Ron DeSantis announced his plans to open a migrant detention center in the Everglades, which he nicknamed ‘Alligator Alcatraz’, he had high hopes of retrofitting the local wildlife with deadly lasers on their heads to help prevent detainees from escaping.

The governor had hoped he could use some of the $100 billion set aside for Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) in President Trump’s recently passed “Big, Beautiful Bill” for the reptilian upgrades. According to a leaked ICE memo, however, the majority of that money will go toward overtime pay, Kristi Noem’s cosplay outfits, and hiding details from the public about people who’re wrongfully deported.

“I’m really disappointed we couldn’t get a deal done,” said DeSantis, gently stroking his white Persian cat in an undisclosed location that looks unmistakably like an evil lair. “Florida’s alligators are, of course, remarkable predators that’ll make even the most cunning illegals think twice about escaping.”

Also nixed from the DeSantis’ dream concentration camp was a lava pit he could slowly lower detainees into, giving them just enough time to escape while he isn’t looking, and a giant phallic rocket ship he can use to escape and cryogenically freeze himself for 30 years after a British secret agent with poor dental hygiene foils his plans.

“Look, we all wish we could have alligators with lasers on their heads,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, scrolling through TEMU for her next cowboy-police officer-military-stripper costume. “I know I’d love to watch the woke PETA liberals lose their shit over that, but somethings take priority, like how this website doesn’t have this cute American Flag thong that’ll highlight my unwavering patriotism in low-rise jeans in my size. It’s this kind of shit that makes Daddy Trump put tariffs on people.”

With the disappointing news that the country’s new fiscal bill won’t cover his dream of laser gators, DeSantis is looking into other avenues to deliver on his promise to the Floridian people. One such course of action is calling for the Florida National Guard to be activated, dressed up as alligators, and ordered to patrol the swamps with military rifles equipped with laser sights.

“We see a lot of crazy, stupid shit in Florida,” said U.S. Army Maj. Gen. John Haas, adjutant general for the Florida National Guard. “But it’s probably been 30 years—when we had to look for that Elián González kid—since anyone has asked us to dress up like alligators and comb the swamps to find people.”

Officers at the detention center have reportedly refused Democratic lawmakers access to the prison as they try to investigate humanitarian concerns, prompting the governor to double down on his demands for more high-tech lizards.

“We had to tell them it was unsafe to go into the prison,” said DeSantis. “Which, they quickly saw through that lie, but how are we supposed to let those nosey jerks in when it’s abundantly clear that our defenses lack any real flair without the freakin’ lasers. Without the gators, this is just a circus tent in swamp with some fences.”

The group of Democratic lawmakers have demanded they receive full access to the prison, going so far and so boldly as to use a Florida state law that says any Florida lawmaker “have full access to inspect any state-operated facility.”

“This is a blatant abuse of power and an attempt to conceal human rights violations from the public eye,” the group said.

“Those little bitches are going to use the law to get their way?” Said DeSantis. “Hasn’t Trump done enough to prove to these people that we don’t care about the law? Get over it guys, you’re not allowed in our cool new prison camp.”

DeSantis also said he could be persuaded to let the lawmakers into Alligator Alcatraz if they can find the money for alligator mounted lasers in the state budget.

“Get rid of all the shit for poor people, I don’t care,” said DeSantis. “I want my freakin’ lasers, man.”