Some guy named Geoff is starting his own political party

LANSING, Mich. – With the Republican party seemingly split down the middle between moderate conservatives and extreme right MAGA, and the Democratic party in a confusing, spineless identity crisis, one local man has taken it upon himself to create a new political party to house the disenfranchised members of both parties.

Geoff Stoll, the 45th best ranked plumber in Lansing according to Yelp, has registered paperwork to start his own political party, which he calls the 90s Couch Co-op LAN Party Clan, or 9CCLPC for short.

“The American people are so sick and tired of the left and right campaigning on promises of making life better for the middle class, then pegging our assholes without lube for their own political and economic gain,” said Stoll. “But do you remember how carefree and happy you felt in the 90s, sitting on the couch playing co-op video games with your friends? Maybe it was Goldeneye 64, maybe it was Halo. Regardless, that’s what the 90s Couch Co-op LAN Party Clan promises to you—a simple, carefree lifestyle without the burden of low wages, a high cost of living, and the constant threat of World War III looming around every corner.”

When asked, Stoll could not provide any specific policies his new party would try and enact if elected to any level of government, but said that in our vibes-based economy, he believes his party stands out far beyond either of our two traditional parties.

“People just want things easy again, man,” said Stoll. “That’s what this party is all about. The simple life.”

Stoll isn’t the only person looking to create waves and disrupt the status quo of American politics. Earlier this week, billionaire Elon Musk announced that he, too, was creating a new political party after his very ugly, probably ketamine-induced, fallout with President Donald Trump.

Elon’s party, which he unironically named The America Party, was created as a threat to dethrone the American two-party system after the President manhandled Congress into passing his “Big, Beautiful Bill”, which sabotages the middle and lower classes while bolstering the country’s wealthiest citizens, guts medical support for millions, and takes away school lunches from children.

Oh, but Elon probably doesn’t care about those things, he’s probably more upset that it also takes away incentives to buy electric vehicles, which will probably hurt Tesla sales, which were already plummeting because he was so bad at politics during his time at the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE.

Of course, it’s because of Musk’s DOGE and their proposed cuts to vital services and Trump’s continued desecration of the U.S. Constitution—and the GOPs compliance, and the Democrats inability to stop it—that is making so many U.S. citizens to finally say enough is enough.

This country’s two-party system has long been criticized by people on both sides of aisle. By the same people who also chastise anyone who decides to vote for a third party because it “is a vote for the other guy.” But perhaps the division amongst Americans is finally at a tipping point and radical change is afoot. At least, that’s what people like Stoll believe.

Meanwhile, Jill Stein is quietly in the corner licking her lips, thinking this is finally her time to shine.

“If we stay down this road of complacency and compliance, we’re going to rip ourselves to pieces,” said Stoll. “I really don’t want to see that happen. But fruitful words are not enough. We need to make meaningful change, not just talk about it.”

While he’s hopeful for change, he isn’t so disillusioned that he doesn’t understand that it’s going to be a long, hard road to change.

“I’m just a dude from Michigan who has a dream and fond memories of playing video games with my friends in the 90s,” said Stoll. “Elon is the world’s richest man and has the money and cult following to make people believe he cares about the middle class. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I do know that I do care and I’m gonna run with that right up the midterms and beyond, so help me God.”

As of now, the 90s Couch Co-op LAN Party Clan is only recognized as a legitimate political party in the Lansing Michigan local election system, but Stoll is hoping he’ll one day figure out how to expand the party beyond local town lines.