Zack Snyder to release ‘Snyder Cut’ of the Epstein List

HOLLYWOOD, Cali. – Famed film director and producer Zack Snyder (Justice League, 300, Dawn of the Dead) has announced that he will personally fund and release the ‘Snyder Cut’ of the Jeffrey Epstein Client List after Washington elite left the original list on the cutting room floor.

This Snyder Cut is expected to include many behind the scenes names, a more fleshed out and cohesive timeline of the events on Epstein’s island, and special effects that’ll make Michael Bay jizz in his pants.

“Epstein file fans are some of the most hardcore fans on planet Earth,” said Snyder. “They don’t want some shitty studio-led list, they want a dark, gritty, and unabashedly honest list that’ll expose everyone who ever visited that island and participated in the disgusting activities that took place there. That’s what I promise with the Snyder cut of this list. I owe it to the fans.”

Snyder also said he was inspired to take on this project because he was one of the millions of Americans who were disappointed when the White House announced it was cancelling the Epstein file project just a few months after it was announced. Also, because Netflix hasn’t given him the greenlight to film and produce the third installment of his Rebel Moon film series, yet.

U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Monday that she was scrapping the Epstein File, leaving many fans from both sides of the aisle extremely disappointed in the Department of Justice’s decision. The project’s dissolvement comes just six months after Bondi said she had the list on her desk and would be pushing to have it released this Blockbuster season.

“I think it’s just really disappointing that they’re allowing this project to never see the light of day,” said Sam Felder, a true crime aficionado who’s been following the Epstein case ever since police in Palm Beach, Florida began investigating the financier after a 14-year-old girl reported being sexually assaulted at his mansion. “We all know there are some really big names on that list, and I think we’re all entitled to know who of our nation’s rich and famous are most likely to diddle our underage daughters.”

Bondi’s refusal to release the studio version of the list has made many people, on both sides of the political aisle, upset that the White House is attempting to cover up, or at best downplay, some of the high-profile names associated with Epstein and his accomplice, Ghislaine Maxwell.

On Wednesday, President Donald Trump got angry during his televised cabinet meeting when a reporter asked an honest question about the administration’s decision to withhold releasing the list, breaking its promise for unparalleled transparency, leading many people to wonder whether or not the President is on the list, himself.

“We all know that Trump was buddies, or at least good acquaintances with Epstein, there’s, like, a million photos of them together,” said Sarah Opal, a conspiracy theory blogger. “Keeping the list hidden isn’t going to stop us from believing he’s on the list. We know he is. What we want to know is who else is on the list? Are the Clintons? What about the Obamas? Are there aliens? Lizard people? These are the answers that We the People, demand to know.”

Meanwhile, news of a potential Snyder Cut has brought together both Republicans and Democrats in a way that hasn’t been seen since September 12, 2001.

“If that dude can make the Justice League movie tolerable, I can’t wait to see what he can do with the Epstein list,” said Dave Vanguard, a devout DC comic nerd and part-time activist. “I am so, freakin’ excited for this man, you know no idea.”

Zack Snyder’s Epstein List is scheduled to be released this summer, only on HBO Max.