George R.R. Martin pulls a page from the DOJ, says The Winds of Winter never existed

Santa Fe, New Mexico — In a revelation more jarring than the Red Wedding and somehow still less satisfying than the final season of Game of Thrones, fantasy author George R.R. Martin has finally confirmed what many long-suffering fans have long feared: The Winds of Winter doesn’t exist. It never did and it never will.

“So yeah,” Martin told a hushed crowd at the Santa Fe University of Art and Design speaking on Tuesday evening, “there was never a book.”

Martin, now 76, leaned into a leather chair onstage while casually spooning chili from a Styrofoam cup. “You know how the Department of Justice said there’s no Epstein client list?” he said, wiping his mustache with a napkin very much past its prime. “It’s like that. People say they want the truth. But they can’t handle that the truth is ‘nah.’”

The bombshell admission comes after more than a decade of speculative blog posts, broken promises, and Martin’s infamous annual New Year’s post titled “Still Not Done, Please Don’t Stab Me.”

Asked to elaborate, Martin shrugged. “I mean, I started it, technically. Sure. I have, like, 80,000 pages of notes about heraldry, soup, and how cold someone’s nipples are in the snow. But a book? A whole narrative arc with stakes and payoff? That’s fanfiction territory now.”

The announcement sent immediate shockwaves through the fan community. Tad Crater, a self-described “thronesman” and longtime reader, was reportedly inconsolable.

“I don’t understand,” Crater said, holding a first edition copy of A Clash of Kings to his chest like a wounded animal. “There were sample chapters. He posted about Tyrion meeting some sellswords. There was a big battle. There was a … what was the name? The lady with the face thing?”

When pressed further, Crater became unresponsive and began muttering “Valonqar” into his homemade Unsullied helmet.

Some in the literary community praised Martin for his honesty. “It’s postmodern performance art,” said Dana Volstrom, the university’s literature professor. “He’s elevated blue balls into a storytelling form. The series ends where it began—confused, horny, and abruptly canceled.”

The Department of Justice, perhaps unknowingly providing the blueprint for Martin’s long-anticipated dodge, recently clarified that despite years of speculation and promises, there was never an “Epstein client list.” Just a big pile of insinuations and NDAs. Martin, citing the DOJ’s phrasing, called The Winds of Winter “a widely circulated but fictional concept.”

“Sure, you can find fragments,” Martin said. “Emails. Outlines. A dream where Bran fights a tree. But a real book? You’ll find more answers in Westeros than you will here.”

Vice President J.D. Vance, speaking from the reconstructed Iron Throne he had commissioned for his personal podcast studio, expressed his disappointment.

“I was gonna read it to my kids, man,” Vance said. “Now what? I gotta finish the Wheel of Time series like a damn nerd?”

HBO has yet to comment, though one anonymous executive was overheard in Burbank muttering, “Screw it, we’ll just reboot it again. Maybe set it in space this time.”

Meanwhile, Martin has teased a new novella focused entirely on the migratory patterns of Westerosi ravens. Working title: A Song of Wings and Feathers.