How leaving my wife and kids made me better at B2B marketing

This article was submitted by Daniel Tuss, a cannabis and slightly used sex toy marketing guru.

HILLSBORO, Ore. – If you want to be successful in business, you have to be cutthroat. While you’re sleeping, your competition is competing. When you’re eating. They’re competing. When you’re shitting. They’re taking a shit all over you because you’re just a giant piece of shit in the eyes of those competitors.

Being a successful businessman takes patience, determination, and a whole hell of a lot of sacrifice. How much sacrifice you ask? Everything. You have to be willing to chop of your left arm, suck a homeless man’s dick, or, in my case, pack up your bags in the middle of the night and leave the love of your life and your three children under the age of five without so much as saying goodbye.

Goodbyes make you vulnerable to feelings, which make you weak.

Do I miss them? Yeah, I have periodic moments where I lose focus and think about them. I’m ashamed to admit that, but I am human after all. But in those moments of distraction, I quickly snap myself back to reality with a quick bump of a Quaalude and I’m back in the action, baby!

I know what you’re probably thinking, because I hear it all the time from so many weak business-minded people; how can you live with yourself after abandoning your wife and children? Easy. My productivity has skyrocketed 10,000-percent since I parted ways with those pathetic dependents. I’m no longer held back by menial tasks like changing diapers, running errands, or having passionate, kinky sex with my wife. With them out of the picture, I am 1,000-percent focused, working 100-140 hours a week making calls, sending emails, and closing deals like a mother fucking boss.

Leaving my wife and kids was undeniably the best decision I have ever made because without them, I have learned to master the art of business-to-business marketing. I’ve networked the shit out of LinkedIn and my local coffee shop. It’s gotten to the point where people are blocking my calls ’cause they know when Big Tuss comes calling, I got more business opportunities than their pathetic little Fortune 500 company can handle.

That’s how a real man handles success, and how you weed out the real players from the chumps who probably live in a big house, wasting their time making meaningful memories with their kids, and getting glorious blow jobs from a partner who cares about them.

Idiots.

Excuse me for a moment as I slip a quick Methamphetamine suppository up my ass and change my IV bag, I’ve got some major business to take care of today and I don’t want anything stupid like my own mortality to get in the way. If you want to be a winner like me, don’t waste your time on trivial things that you’ll definitely look back on at the end of your life, wishing you’d done more of it. Live in the moment. Suck that dick. Leave your loved ones. Never look back.

Then—and only then—will you understand the true power of B2B marketing.