Class action lawsuit targets U.S. companies selling kitchen mandolins

ATLANTA, Ga.  — On Monday, the Legal Law Office of Crater, Crater, and Caldera announced plans to file a sweeping class action lawsuit against U.S. manufacturers and sellers of kitchen mandolins, the notorious slicing tool blamed for thousands of fingertip fatalities and dinner-time tragedies across American households.

“Have you ever been having a get-together, you and your friends are all standing around the kitchen island—or counter if you don’t have an island, for some reason,” said Tad Crater, Esquire, founding partner and leading voice behind the lawsuit. “You decide to make some delicious chips in your cast iron pan. You pull out the mandolin, at which point each and every one of your friends has a story about how their parents were seriously maimed by that dangerous cooking accessory?”

Crater’s firm, best known for their high-profile litigation against leaf blowers (“Noise Terrorism in the Suburbs”) and collapsible ladders (“Folding Death Sticks”), has dubbed the case “Children of Mandolins”, a title both dramatic and, in Crater’s words, “extremely SEO-friendly.”

One such child is Josh Maar, 31, whose father lost the tip of his index finger while preparing eggplant parmesan in 1999. “I know these things have guards and what not, but they ain’t good enough,” said Maar, now an assistant to the Comcast Regional Sales Manager. “The problem is that blade never goes dull. Dad was just swish swashing away making some thin cut eggplant, and suddenly he couldn’t play ‘Dust in the Wind’ so good no more. And dinner was ruined.”

Sofia Solfatara, a lawyer representing KitchenAid and several other small appliance makers, dismissed the lawsuit as “blatantly idiotic.”

“You need to be careful with any kitchen appliance,” said Solfatara. “Electric kettles, toasters, paring knives—they all carry risks. What’s next? A class action against Pyrex for being ‘too glassy’? Or maybe a wrongful death suit against salad spinners for causing dizziness?”

But Crater insists the mandolin is unique in its “almost French indifference to human safety.”

“Have you seen one of these things?” he asked, waving a glossy tri-fold exhibit labeled “America’s Countertop Guillotine.” “The blade is at an angle—a seductive angle—like it’s inviting your hand to just wander a bit too far. Next thing you know, you’re donating part of your knuckle to the stir-fry.”

Though historians widely agree that the mandoline slicer—spelled with an “e”—originated in 19th-century French kitchens and was not the invention of guillotine enthusiast Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin, Crater remains unconvinced.

“Coincidence? I think not,” he said. “France has a long, sharp history.”

While exact figures for mandoline sales are elusive, the U.S. small kitchen appliance market—of which mandolins are a sliver—was valued at over $5.3 billion in 2024 and continues to grow with America’s deepening obsession with home cooking and danger-slicing.

Crater sees this as fertile ground for litigation.

“If things go well, we plan to include Canada and Mexico in the class action. There’s no reason only Americans should profit from mandolin-based suffering. We’re going continental. We’re going to be rich!”

Asked whether the lawsuit might expand to include zesters, julienne peelers, or even the spiralizer, Crater paused.

“That’s a great idea,” he said, scribbling on a legal pad. “Do you know how many marriages have ended over zucchini noodles?”