JD Vance launches his own brand of eyeliner

WASHINGTON – After months of watching his boss rake in millions of dollars from the American people for personal gain selling gaudy gold shoes, crypto coins, and a personalized perfume, Vice President JD Vance has opted to take a page President Trump’s grift book and launch his own personalized line of eyeliner.

This new cosmetic, which the VP proudly proclaimed will be tested on detained migrants rather than animals, will be called “VANCE” because if he’s learned anything from the President, it’s that building a personal brand is the easiest way to sucker people into joining your cult.

“I was just sitting in the Vice President’s office, doodling in my favorite Pokémon coloring book, when I thought, hey, people like talking about my eyeliner, they must really love it,” said Vance, showing offs his favorite picture of Bulbasaur, asking us to ignore the parts where he colored outside the lines. “If they really like it that much, I bet I could start a really neat side hustle selling it, which is made from my own secret recipe, I’ll have you know. I think this could really help bring America together, kinda like it was before 2016.”

Vance also said he’s considering launching a beauty vlog on YouTube to discuss things like, tips on how to draw the perfect cat’s eye, unboxing and product reviews, and campaigning to help normalize “guyliner” in American society.

“I feel like most guys in the U.S. think that makeup and beauty standards are something that only women and gay men are allowed to enjoy,” said Vance. “But I am a very straight man; like, very strait. So straight. But I like to make sure I look my best. I’m tired of the fact that not-poor straight guy fashion is limited to boat shoes, polo shirts, and aviator sunglasses to hide your crow’s feet. Men should be proud of their looks. Put on some makeup, shove yourself in a tight tank top and skinny jeans, and goddamn it, accessorize.”

Critics of Vance’s decision to use his position of power in the U.S. government for personal financial gain by promoting his new line of masculine beauty products say this is a serious ethics concern. Others, however, were quick to point out that no one really cares about the office of the Vice President because he holds no real power over what happens in the country on a daily basis.

“I honestly forgot that Vance was the V.P.,” said Greg Hoyer, a sheet metal fabricator from Butler, Pennsylvania. “I keep seeing his face and wonder, what’s the emo kid from My Chemical Romance doing at the White House? Did the band sell out or is emo music so dead that he had to get a real job? Turns out it was just Vance all along.”

After a little bit of online searching and one really uncomfortable racist conversation with Grok, we can confirm JD Vance was never in My Chemical Romance.

Despite most economic experts believing the Vance brand eyeliner will only net the vice president some tens of dollars, they’re using this opportunity to shed light on the very real problem of Vance’s boss, President Donald Trump, continuing to privately profit on products such as bibles, watches, and crypto while in the White House. Historically, other presidents have divested their assets in privately held businesses when they’re elected to eliminate any real or perceived conflicts of interest, although they’re not legally required to do so.

According to financial documents, the president has made more than $630 million dollars in 2024 and more than $1.6 billion in assets across his real estate business. Of that $630 million, about $8 million was made from products he promoted on the campaign trail, including:

• $1.3 million promoting Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the USA Bibles.
• $2.5 million from Trump shoes and fragrances.
• $2.8 million from Trump Watches (which he said were made in Switzerland, but were actually made in Wyoming)
• More than $1 million on a “45 Guitar”

And, while most people can’t be upset about the money he made on the campaign trail because he wasn’t an elected official, they are upset about the merch and swag he continues to push on his followers since January 20th, when he was sworn in as President, including his Victory 45-47 fragrance for men and women, as well as Trump Mobile, a new cell service that promises American-made phones made overseas.

“The president of the United States should not be selling nicknacks to the American people while also creating one of the most hostile civil environments since the Civil War,” said Patrick McDonald, a presidential historian. “He is creating a divide amongst our citizens that’s never been seen in our lifetimes, and yet, he has time to tell people to buy his perfume because, you know, you’ll want to smell nice when ICE kicks down your door.”

Of course, not everyone is upset about the President leveraging the highest office in the country to sell overpriced stinky water and the phone version of the Zune. According to polls, 44.7% of Americans approve of Donald Trump’s current tenure as president. However, according to a poll of that 44.7%, Alpine 6 Action News has learned that 99.9% of those polled were Russian bots and 0.01% was some guy named Steve in Nebraska who voted multiple times.

In a completely unrelated note, overweight men also consist of 44.7% of the U.S. population.

So, what does all this mean for JD Vance? We’re not really sure. Like most Americans, we forgot we were talking about him and moved on to something more important.