National Guard deployed to protect Pam Bondi’s desk

WASHINGTON – The Trump administration has activated nearly 1,000 National Guardsmen today in order to protect U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi’s desk from what it views as a “clear and present danger to federal property and sensitive information.”

The decision comes as Trump and Bondi receive increased backlash from the American people—on both sides of the aisle—for failing to release the Jeffrey Epstein client list, a group of documents that allegedly name several wealthy and powerful clients of the disgraced financier and his underage sex trafficking business.

“Bondi said she had the documents on her desk and Trump campaigned on the promise that he would release them,” said Dominic Sanchez, a 54-year-old, three-time Trump voter. “Now, they say the documents don’t even exist and they’re doing everything in their power to distract us from this. But guess what? We don’t like pedophiles in this country and we’re not going to remain quiet until those documents are released in full.”

Editor’s note: despite being a legal green card holder, Sanchez was immediately detained by ICE following this interview and deported to some small ass country we’ve never heard of because of his statements that were deemed “negative” toward the President.

“The lunatics on the left and former supporters of the President are relentlessly trying to diminish all the incredible work President Trump has done to make America great again, it’s really quite pathetic,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “President Trump is well within his right ay commander in chief to activate the National Guard to protect federal government and the sensitive information contained within it. Or, in this case, what’s not there, because there is no Epstein List, which this administration has maintained ever since the President was sworn into office on January 20th.”

Many GOP and conservative talking heads have successfully fallen in line with the White Houses talking points, lashing out against anyone who would so much as dare question President Trump’s integrity. However, most Americans, even those who were damn near intoxicated on the MAGA Kool-Aid, aren’t buying it.

“Look, we all know President Trump is on that list and I would still support him if he just released the files and attoned for his sins in the eyes of God,” said Sarah Ganon, an unpasturized milk vlogger. “The Democrats on the list will burn in Hell, of course, because what happened on that island is unholy and inhumane and the Democrats are just a bunch of Godless heathens, but President Trump can easily redeem himself because he is a man of God. Of course, not releasing the list is basically the same as protecting Democrat pedophiles, which is unredeemable.”

“I believe everyone on that list, regardless of political ideology, has committed one of the greatest sins and should answer for those sins the both the courts of man and God,” said Reverand Thomas Pill, a registered Democrat.

As for who will be activated to protect Pam Bondi’s desk and the Epstein Client List (which isn’t there *wink wink*), Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth is ordering 1,000 of the nearly 2,000 National Guardsmen who were recently relieved of duty from protecting government buildings in Los Angeles during the anti-ICE protests to fly to D.C. to protect the government-issued piece of furniture.

“This operation, which I’m aptly naming Operation Thundercock, will cost about $67 million, but in my eyes, it’s worth every penny,” said Hegseth. “You can’t really put a price on freedom and that’s exactly what these men and women—no men pretending to be women, by the way—are delivering in the name of truth, justice, and the American way of life.”

Hegseth also said he has about 200 U.S. Marines on standby in the event the National Guard is overrun by protestors or the evening janitorial staff.