How going to a Coldplay concert increased my company’s search rankings 10,000%

This article was submitted by an anonymous CEO at a company that does stuff we don’t really understand.

Coldplay. Great music, great performance, and great to boost your company’s organic Google search rankings.

Let me explain.

Last night I went to a Coldplay concert with my girlfriend (my wife was too busy to go taking care of the kids). Chris Martin and the boys had just wrapped up A Sky Full of Stars, which is me and my lady’s favorite songs, so we did what all couples would do, and we got a little closer. I wrapped my arms around her, she held my arms, and we simply swayed back and forth, allowing ourselves to become lost in the ambiance of the crowd.

That’s when it happened. Bam! The Coldplay camera crew found us in our blissful embrace of the music and decided (rightfully so) that the two of us perfectly embodied the love described in Martin’s majestical lyrics and put us on the jumbotron for all to see.

I’ll admit that I panicked at first. After all, I told my wife I was taking some foreign investors from Japan out for sushi; I didn’t tell her that my post-sushi mochi was my beautiful female employee’s coochie in the grandstands of a Coldplay concert.

But after the initial spike of anxiety passed, my savvy business intuition kicked in. We live in the golden age of online trolling and meme communication. We were on that jumbotron for seconds, the damage was already done. So, the question became, do I try to run from this or do I embrace it?

I can afford couple counseling and a divorce wouldn’t damage my portfolio too bad, so I might as well hold my arms wide open (wait, that’s a Creed song) and figure out how to leverage this PR situation into dollar bills.

As my girlfriend yelled in my ear “oh my God, we’re fucked. Janice (my wife) is my best friend. Shit, shit, shit.” I quickly swiped through social media until I found the clip of our kiss cam footage (the internet works really fast, ya’ll), reposted it to a burner account exposing myself, then sat back and enjoyed the rest of the show.

By the time Coldplay finished their second encore, the video had racked up millions of views, tens of thousands of reposts, and I had 634 missed calls from my wife.

As the stands started clearing out, I called my marketing director and asked her to check out website analytics. They were up almost 10,000%.

She was a little upset that this was how she found out she wasn’t my only side chick, but I told her I’d buy some champagne and those chocolate covered strawberries she likes, and I’d go to her place to show her how much revenue this was going to drive in for the company.

She said it was risky, and the negative press could result in plummeting stock prices, but I told her maintaining romantic relationships with all the women in the company was also risky, but that didn’t stop me from driving forward. We live in a society where people love drama. Just look at who we elected president. He makes the Jersey Shore look tame.

I’m obviously not a mind reader, I can’t see into the future, but if our massive spike in web traffic is any indicator, I may just need to film a sex tape next to keep business booming.