Homan: we will deport any hurricane that enters this country illegally

WASHINGTON – With hurricane season underway, President Donald Trump’s border czar Tom Homan gave a stark warning to any hurricane that so much as thinks about entering the United States illegally, “we will find you and we will deport you back to Africa, where you belong.”

The announcement comes as the divide among American voters widens under President Trump’s unprecedented crackdown on immigration.

“When we say that we’re shutting down our border, we’re shutting it down completely,” said Homan. “It doesn’t matter if you’re Mexican, the son of God, or Mother Nature herself. If you think you can come into this country, destroy homes and businesses, and kill good, hard-working Americans, you can just go fuck yourself.”

It’s unclear how Homan plans to enforce this policy, seeing as a hurricane is a deadly naturally occurring phenomenon, however, several of Homan’s neighbors have made complaints to local authorities about an older naked white man matching Homan’s description waving a mop and shouting at the sky last time it drizzled, implicating his honest intent to deport hurricanes from the country.

“Yeah, I saw Tom out there just as he pulled off his underwear, bearing his bleach-white ass to the world, going on-and-on about how Mother Nature was a soulless whore who deserved to be put down like the little bitch she is,” said Dan Gardner, one of Homan’s neighbors. “It’s really sad seeing someone you’ve known for so long slide into a delusional MAGA-induced paranoia. Real sad, real sad.”

Critics of President Trump’s harsh immigration standards say Homan’s latest tirade is just another attack by the administration against minorities.

“The United States only sees about 12 hurricanes attempt to enter the country on an annual basis,” said Deborah Sanchez, a meteorologist and self-described hurricane apologist. “This rhetoric against hurricanes, saying they’re deadly and are only coming to America to cause damage is both defamatory and false. The continental United States has been a hurricane migration path for longer than our country has existed and more often than not, most hurricanes come here at the end of their lives. To deny them entry simply for who they are and where they came from is a disgusting abuse of power.”

Meanwhile, many civil rights activists are claiming this whole thing is just a distraction against the administration and ICE’s efforts to deport people in the most inhumane ways possible.

“We have families being torn apart and people being snatched off the street despite being here legally,” said Tamara Douglas, an anti-Trump protestor in Washington D.C. “Hurricanes are naturally occurring weather patterns. You can’t deport them. And, regardless of what Marjorie Taylor Greene says, we ain’t making them to try and demolish red states. What we can do, however, is treat people with decency and humanity, like Jesus would’ve done. Like, why is that so hard?”

Many other activists are claiming this whole thing is just a distraction against what’s really, really important, releasing the Jeffrey Epstein files.

“Everyone wants to know who the pedophiles are,” said Greg Polanco, a self-described keyboard warrior. “We know Trump is on it, we know Clinton is on it, and everyone from both sides of the aisle want that damn list released so we know who to fucking cancel next. The funny thing is, everyone knows the president is on the list, and if he just came out and said it, released the list, most of them would probably forgive him anyway. He’s only making this worse for himself by trying to distract us from it.”

When pressed about Homan’s plan, President Trump praised his border czar’s creativity and dedication to the job.

“No one’s better at this than Tim,” Trump said. “Tad is one of a kind who really knows what he’s talking about. A lot of people told me, ‘don’t hire Thad, he’s too extreme’, but I didn’t listen and look where we are now. We’ve seen too many deadly storms come into our country illegally. They bring drugs and transexuals and leave the place a mess. They’re dangerous, too. A lot of people die from hurricanes every year and you can’t even see them coming. They’re dangerous and silent like ninjas. But Terry’s a ninja hunter, that’s what he is. Like Matt Damon in that movie about China. Great movie, but I have to tariff it a lot because it comes from China, you know. But yeah, I think Theo’s doing a great job. If he can stop the hurricanes like he says, which I believe he can, then the only hurricanes here will be the illegal ones the nasty Democrats let into the country. I’ve also heard they can create them now. How evil is that? The Democrats are creating hurricanes and tsunamis and heatwaves to kill my supporters. Maybe the Democrats should be deported, too. All of them. I don’t know about that, but I’ll have to look into it. It sounds like a good idea to me, an idea I just came up with. Good idea.”

Some have argued that this whole fantasy about deporting hurricanes could’ve been averted if the Trump administration had simply opted not to cut the funding for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, or NOAA, which oversees weather forecasting and early warning systems for severe weather such as hurricanes and tornadoes.

“To sum up this administration, it’s like someone shot themselves in the foot and then blamed someone else for the injury,” said Pam Whittaker, a political analyst. “Never before in my life have I seen a group of adults self-sabotage so frequently and genuinely believe the fallout from their decisions is someone else’s fault. It’s as mind-boggling as it is fascinating, like watching a train fall from the sky.”

Due to the budget cuts, NOAA’s website is currently just playing the SyFy channel original movie, Sharknado, on repeat.