I May Be on the Epstein List Which Doesn’t Exist, But Obama Is a Traitor, Trump Says

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning pivot from “Epstein List? Never heard of her,” President Donald Trump accused his predecessor, former President Barack Obama, of treason during an Oval Office trade event with Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos Jr., a man whose own father knew a thing or two about authoritarian vibes.

The accusation, which came unsolicited during a press conference ostensibly focused on mango tariffs and regional shipping lanes, left reporters blinking in stunned silence and Marcos Jr. reportedly mouthing, “Wait, what?”

“Look, the documents. I’ve seen the documents. Very big documents. Tremendous treason,” Trump said while thumbing through what appeared to be a printout of Tulsi Gabbard’s Substack. “Obama spied on my campaign. It’s treason, and we used to know what we did to traitors in this country. Very simple stuff.”

When pressed for details about said documents, Trump referred reporters to newly appointed Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, who earlier that week declassified a binder labeled “Russiagate 2: Just Add Tulsi.”

“What I’ve released is clear,” Gabbard said Friday while standing in front of a PowerPoint titled ‘Operation: Icarus Rebirth’. “These documents show individuals within the Obama administration knew about Russian interference efforts and took actions which, by certain interpretations of the Constitution written entirely in all-caps, could be seen as treasonous.”

She did not clarify who wrote those interpretations but added, “This is why I don’t trust pineapple on pizza or the CIA.”

Deflecting From a List That Definitely Doesn’t Exist

Conspicuously absent from the Oval Office performance was any mention of the Epstein List—the long-theorized roster of high-profile individuals who allegedly cavorted with the disgraced financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Trump had previously vowed to release the full list “on day one” of his second administration, but “day one” appears to have been rescheduled indefinitely due to “ongoing national distractions.”

The Department of Justice last week said under oath that the list “does not exist,” prompting widespread confusion from Americans who remember Trump saying in 2020, 2021, 2022, and again in a 2024 campaign video filmed in front of a yacht named Miss Teen Allegedly, that he had personally seen the names.

A source close to the president, who requested anonymity because “I don’t want to upset daddy,” told Alpine 6 Action News that discussion of the Epstein List is strictly off-limits in Trump’s presence.

“He gets very agitated when it’s brought up,” the source said while nervously adjusting the belt of a presidential bathrobe and applying what appeared to be recently released VANCE black eyeliner. “That’s why he keeps floating treason charges. If we’re talking about Obama and ‘treason,’ we’re not asking questions like, ‘What happened to that hard drive?’ or ‘Who flew to Little St. James in 2012?’ You know?”

When asked what steps Trump might take if the Epstein List actually were to leak, the source simply whispered, “Operation Flip the Table,” made a swishing motion, and vanished behind the Oval Office couch.

The Crime That’s Just Vague Enough

Treason, while technically a capital offense under U.S. law, requires a very specific threshold: levying war against the country or giving aid and comfort to its enemies. When asked what Obama had done to meet this bar, Trump simply responded, “He knew. He knew about the Russians. And he didn’t stop them. So, he was helping them. Which is the same as Benedict Arnold, only worse, because Arnold never sent Hillary Clinton to spy on me.”

When reminded that there was no evidence Clinton or Obama personally “spied” on his campaign, Trump pivoted, “Look, you have to understand, a lot of people are talking. The documents are incredible. We’re gonna have more soon, maybe from Hungary. Great researchers there. Real patriots.”

When asked if he would revisit his promise to release the Epstein List, Trump said, “Absolutely, we’re working on it. The best list. Doesn’t exist. I don’t even know what an Epstein List is, and I know lists. I had a list of what I would do when I became president, and I delivered on all those promises. Dictator for a day? Check. Make America great again? Huge check. Releasing the Epstein List which isn’t real was never even something I said before, because I didn’t know the guy, or Giselle Maxwell, so why would I promise to release a list that would indicate I purchased children for the purpose of sexual gratification? Why would I call Giselle, great gal, Giselle, who I don’t even know and wish her well in her upcoming trial?”

This rant on what the Commander-in-Chief would or would not do, who he knows and doesn’t know, went on for some time.

“But right now, we’re focused on saving the country from Barack Hussein Osama,” said Trump, who then turned to Marcos Jr. and added, “Isn’t that right, President Ferdinand? I love the Philippines. Best deals. Best jails.”

The Philippines’ president did not respond or make eye contact with the U.S. President.

The List Goes On, and Off, and Into Shredder

While the nation wrestles with the implications of a president accusing a former president of a death-penalty crime on the basis of interpretive fan fiction, the Department of Justice maintains that no list exists—despite several Epstein-related case documents being sealed “for national security reasons,” “ongoing investigations,” and one marked simply “This One’s Just Weird.”

At press time, Tulsi Gabbard had not responded to follow-up questions about whether future intelligence disclosures might include Area 51, the grassy knoll, or who controls the weather.

As for the source close to Trump?

They were last seen slipping a folded piece of paper labeled “List of List Makers” into a compartment behind a framed photo of a Corinthian leather couch hung up in the Oval Office.