Trump Demands Public Execution of South Park Creators After “Microphallic” Episode Airs

WASHINGTON — U.S. President Donald Trump on Thursday called for the immediate execution of South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker following the animated show’s 27th season premiere, which aired Wednesday night on Comedy Central and Paramount+.

The White House issued a blistering statement denouncing the episode, calling it “a deepfake hate crime” and accusing South Park of undermining national unity with “weaponized satire.” Trump, however, took things several steps further during an impromptu press conference held at one of his newly erected 88-foot flagpoles outside the White House.

The episode, titled Sermon on the ‘Mount, depicts Trump hosting a lavish party in the White House Rose Garden—which can only be described as a meth fueled shindig which could only be found in the most remote of trailer parks—before black bagging portrait artist who depicted the president with a “micropenis so small, it can only be seen under conditions of spiritual fasting.”  

“These two freaks need to be hanged. Hanged!” Trump shouted. “I’ve built the flagpoles. They’re beautiful, the biggest ever—just like my tremendous, very large penis. Everyone says so. I’ve heard it. Everyone!”

The controversial episode depicted the ultra-virile president sharing a bed with an overly muscular Satan, the lord of Hell. Satan and Trump seemed to be in a mildly emotional abusive relationship.

Vice President J.D. Vance, fighting back tears and streaks of VANCE by Maybelline mascara, came to Trump’s defense.

“I do not appreciate what those South Park people said about daddy,” Vance sniffled during the impromptu outdoor press conference. “It’s rude, it’s fake news, and it’s just mean. I’ve seen daddy’s wiener—okay? It’s super huge. So that whole joke doesn’t even make sense unless you’re a liar or a Democrat. Or both.”

The episode arrives at a precarious moment for Paramount Global, which recently inked a $1.5 billion deal with South Park’s creators for a series of 50 episodes through 2030. Industry insiders now worry that the firestorm could imperil Paramount’s long-delayed merger with Skydance Media.

“This is an extinction-level event for the deal,” said one Paramount executive who requested anonymity for fear of being added to Trump’s newly proposed “List of Hollywood Scum.”

“If Skydance pulls out, we’re looking at years of restructuring, divestments, and a total creative identity collapse. And all because Trey and Matt couldn’t resist the temptation to depict Trump as an unstable narcissist with a moist cheese puff for a dick.”

Trump has reportedly instructed the Department of Justice to “find or invent a law” that would allow him to both sue and execute the South Park duo.

“We’re exploring every legal and extralegal avenue,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “This country was founded on free speech, but not that kind of free speech.”

When asked if he had actually watched the episode, Trump scoffed.

“I don’t need to watch it,” he said. “I lived it. And also, everyone says I look amazing in cartoon form. Just tremendous.”

Meanwhile, Stone and Parker released a joint statement Friday morning.

“We would like to apologize to absolutely no one,” the statement read. “We make fun of everyone. That’s literally the job. Also, our lawyers are already laughing.”