Desantis to build the Dark Tower of Barad-dûr for Trump’s army of orcs

EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK – Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced he intends to use prison labor of migrants detained at his new ‘Alligator Alcatraz’ to construct the Dark Tower of Barad-dûr to raise and train an army of orcs for President Trump.

According to a statement released by DeSantis, the massive black stone tower, complete with an 18-hole golf course, strip club, and lava pool capable of destroying the One Ring, will serve as President Trump’s seat of power as he launches his campaign to obliterate Middle Earth, more commonly known as Central America in the Westron tongue.

“Our nation is under siege from vile threats in the lands to our South for far too long,” said DeSantis, wearing a gray Ron Jon Surf Shop robe and holding a plastic staff from the Magic Castle Gift Shop. “With this new impregnable fortress, we shall raise an army of Uruk-hai unlike any the world of men has ever seen before and we will rain destruction upon our enemies in the name of the Dark Lord.”

The governor’s decision to use imprisoned migrants, many of whom were never offered their right to due process, to help raise a supernatural army that serves the president and not the Constitution of the United States has many critics on both sides of the aisle questioning the legality of the operation.

“We just passed a bill to increase defense spending by an ungodly amount of money,” said Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO). “I thought that money would go to modernizing and equipping our military. Or, at the very least, painting over the mold in their barracks rooms so they can’t see it anymore. But spending the money on raising a whole new army that bends the knee only to Donald Trump is not what I voted for. Is this legal? I don’t know. Is this a sign we’re nosediving into an authoritarian government? My gut says, “yes,” but my allegiance to the Republican Party says, “no, President Trump is the messiah, and he can do no wrong, even if he is on the Epstein list.”

“This whole thing is a slap in the face to the men and women of our armed forces,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “The Republican Party says they’re pro-military but time-and-time again they show us that they don’t care about our veterans, they don’t care about our service members, they only care about how they can line their pockets with more money at the expense of the American people. Where do these Uruk-hai even come from? Are they born here? With birthright citizenship on the chopping block, are they even citizens? Is this an army of undocumented immigrants fighting for a country their government will never accept them into? We demand answers from the Trump administration and Governor DeSantis. None of this passes the smell test.”

From the back nine of his Turnberry golf course in Scotland, President Trump assured his followers in the MAGA cult that everything DeSantis was doing was “good” and that this new army would be even better than the U.S. Army “in every way” since they swear absolute allegiance to him and him alone, alleviating the bureaucracy of general officers who might try and tell him, “no.”

“The Uruk-hai are very good people, I’m told,” said Trump. “I haven’t met them myself yet, but I’m very excited to once they hatch from that gooey mud cocoon that they’re grown in. I’m really excited, actually. The United States has always been held back by all the rules the Democrats put into place under Sleepy Joe Biden and Barack Hussain Obama. Not any more though, I made sure of that. America will be great again, our military will be great again, and America will no longer be the laughingstock of the world like it was when Biden was in office. People tell me the country was dead, and I believe them. Dead as a doornail, as they say. What is a doornail anyway? Is that what they call that poor man who opens the door for me? A doornail? What a strange world. Like groceries. It’s an old word. I don’t think people use it anymore. I like it though. Maybe I’ll bring it back, what do you think? Do you think doornail is a hot word now? Will using it get people to forget about my best friend Epstein? I dunno, maybe. Either way, I have my best men working on forging some rings that I will give to the leaders of the world as a really nice gift. I am a great gift giver. I don’t like to brag, but that one’s true, I’ll tell you that. The rings will be great. I’ll have one, too. It’ll be gold, of course. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my caddy finished dropping my ball on the fairway, which is totally where I hit it. I didn’t shank it into the woods. I’m a really good golfer.”

The president then unexplainedly dropped his pants to show the media his penis, insisting they report on its real size and not the gross mischaracterization that South Park episode portrayed it to be. No one did, however, because the difference in size between the cartoon and reality was negligible.

Back in Florida, Trump’s grand army of orcs hit a legal snag as a federal judge ruled that the use of government funds for a private army violates federal law. Despite the injunction, DeSantis is continuing with the construction of the dark tower and its army because, according to the GOP, the rule of law does not apply to them when they’re doing Trump’s bidding.