Don’t let Sydney Sweeney’s great jeans distract you from the fact they still haven’t released the Epstein files

PITTSBURGH – Sydney Sweeney is breaking the internet again. The 27-year-old actress who is best known for partnering with Dr. Squatch to infuse her dirty bathwater into bars of soap is the center of controversy right now thanks to her new commercials for American Eagle, which many claim are ripe with racial and fascist undertones.

The validity to these claims can certainly be debated and may be warranted, but some online scholars are pleading with the American public to put this brand’s possible shortsightedness (or purposeful fascism) aside for the time being to focus on what’s really important, the U.S. Government has still not released the Jeffrey Epstein files and the sitting president of the United States is very likely in those files and a possible pedophile.

“Listen, we all love talking about Sydney Sweeney,” said David Hahn, a self-described internet scholar with a PHD from the school of hard knocks. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched The Voyeurs for, well, you know. But now is not the time to talk about how absolutely stunning her genes are, or her jeans, it’s all just a giant distraction from what’s really important. Release the damn Epstein files!”

President Donald Trump campaigned on the promise of releasing the Epstein files once he was back in office. It’s been six months, and his administration has failed to release anything of substance, creating a growing fissure between him and some of his most supportive followers. According to the Wall Street Journal, Attorney General Pam Bondi informed the president in March that he was named in the Epstein files multiple times.

Since then, the internet has been flooded with images of Trump and Epstein together and it appears the administration is doing everything in its power to distance themselves from the files, including investigating former President Barack Obama for his alleged involvement with reports of Russian interference with the 2016 election, something he’s already been acquitted of being involved with, and offering Epstein’s partner, Ghislaine Maxwell, limited immunity for her participation in trafficking minors to Epstein’s island where they were allegedly sexually abused and assaulted.

The internet is so infuriated with the president and his administration’s unwillingness to release Epstein’s files that they’re all just assuming everything is just an attempt to distract people away from the White House and their assumed guilt in these heinous crimes.

“You wanna go after Obama for shit he didn’t do? Fine,” said Franklin Johnson, a 28-year-old bartender from Baltimore. “You wanna point fingers at Bill Clinton for being on the list, too? Fine. But don’t you dare start trying to distract us from your gross misconduct with Sydney Sweeney, because that shit will work 100-percent of the time and I’ll be really mad at you for that.”

The commercial in question is for American Eagle Outfitters in which Sweeney, dressed only in blue jean pants and an open denim jacket over her otherwise bare torso, talks about how genes help determine the color of your eyes and hair, then sensually proclaims that hers are blue. While some people, many of whom were probably in the AE marketing room, probably saw this as a fun little play on words between genes and jeans, not everyone saw it that way.

“We’re dealing with a situation in this country right now where the sitting president of the United States is pushing the powers of his position beyond anything we’ve seen before, a move that many historians have said parallel the rise of Adolf Hitler and Nazism Germany,” said Patricia Lovell, a pants historian. “And this clothing company thought it was a good idea to put a beautiful blond, blue-eyed woman in an advertisement and talk about how she has good genes? Who approved that?”

Others have pointed to the administration’s severe crackdown on immigration and its lopsided bias toward deporting individuals with darker skin tones as more evidence toward the company’s malfeasance in timing and phrasing with the advertisement.

However, some have pointed out that the President and his administration have already started cracking down on companies, particularly media companies, for promoting information and facts that don’t align with the White House’s agenda, leaving them wondering if this is all part of a grander campaign to Make America White Again.

“We’re deporting brown people by the truckload, and we’ve got one of the hottest female celebrities on the planet boasting about her Arian looks to sell jeans,” said Israel Dombrowski, owner of a construction company. “I like to believe these people thought they were just being clever, but it’s really bad timing. Like, really bad.”

According to an anonymous source within American Eagle, the subliminal Nazi symbolism was not lost on them and their decision to run with this campaign was not “due to any alignment in ideology between extreme-right politics and the organization,” but rather because they saw the value in viral marketing when Astronomer’s popularity rose astronomically (pun intended) after the Coldplay Kiss Cam incident a couple weeks ago.

“Three weeks ago, no one had ever heard of Astronomer,” said our source. “Now, after a silly little incident of infidelity, everyone knows who they are. The internet is a powder keg of anger right now. And while negative press is usually bad press, right now, the internet is memeing the shit out of companies who ‘do something wrong’. You can’t pay for that kind of publicity.”

Our source also said the commercial was a strategic choice to take advantage of the political divide in the country right now. “You do something that makes the left angry, the right runs to the store to buy your shit because they think it’ll make people angry. And it works both ways. People hate people right now and that’s very profitable.”