Huge shit taken on museum floor sells for $5.2 million at auction

NEW YORK – Art is subjective. Some people get it. Some people don’t. But until this past weekend, we were pretty sure no one would believe a giant pile of human fecal matter would pass the sniff test to be considered a piece of art. However, collectors proved our theory wrong when a huge shit left on the floor of the Metropolitan Museum of Art sold for a remarkable $5.2 million at auction after it was mistaken as a piece of modern art.

The shit, which was left by a drunk homeless man after feasting on the discarded food scraps in the dumpster behind the Taco Bell on 2nd Avenue, was purchased by Franklin Tillman, an amateur art collector looking to launder a large acquisition of questionable income he received after completing a contract for a family that may, or may not, be involved in organized crime.

“Looking at it now, yeah, I can totally see that this is just a giant shit,” said Tillman. “But c’mon, I’ve never bought high-end art before. The picture frames in my living room came from Ikea and they’ve still got the pictures in them that came with the frames. I honestly thought I was getting a wicked deal after seeing that banana taped to a wall sell for six million bucks. Eh, what’re you gonna do, you know?”

Tillman asked the auction house if he could return the shit and get a full refund, but that request was denied thanks to the auction house’s very strict no return policy on “art that is considered organic or that is unexpected to maintain its state of condition without continuous and regular care.” When asked what he plans to do with his $5 million dookie, Tillman said he was open to suggestions.

“Well, if I flush it, I’ll literally be flushing millions of dollars down the toilet,” said Tillman. “But now that I’ve had a chance to look at it, you know what? This might actually look halfway decent on the shelf in my guest bedroom. My in-laws stay in there and [chuckles] it could be a nice metaphor. Maybe this piece of shit ain’t such a big piece of shit after all.”

Tillman also said he’d be open to selling the shit if anyone was crazy enough to buy it from him.

“Yeah, I’d sell it,” said Tillman. “I don’t suspect I’ll get as much as I paid for it, but my wife is already filling out the divorce paperwork, so if I can get enough to salvage that whoopsie, that would be great.”

While we would find it difficult to believe a second person would be crazy enough to want to buy this shit, we’ve learned to not be surprised by anything ever again. As it turns out, news of the shit’s sale has sparked widespread interest from wealthy investors overseas in an organization called the Society of Cool Anal Talents, or SCAT, which is apparently a group of poop-loving people who actually want shit sitting around their house.

“Humans have used excrement for art dating back thousands of years,” said Mary Anne York, founder of the SCAT chapter in Wales. “It’s believed keeping fecal matter art in your home will improve your health, happiness, and prosperity, bringing balance between humans and nature, similar to the Feng Shui system in Asia.”

According to York, in the internal message boards in the SCAT Slack group, some members of the organization have discussed spending upwards of $10 or $15 million for the pile of shit because of its size, density, and impurities that make it a truly one-of-a-kind piece of, well, shit.

“Every shit is unique,” said York. “Variables such as what the creator ate before defecation, size, girth, and smell, can all contribute to the piece’s overall value. I believe $12 million is a fair valuation for what we’ve been able to see of the piece online, but that could easily go up to $15 or $20 million after a proper analysis by one of our SCAT experts.”

Although no specific offer has been made, Tillman said he’s eager and willing to speak with members of SCAT to make a deal.