DiGiorno pizza testing new delivery-free baby program

GLENDALE, Calif. – DiGiorno, the popular frozen pizza brand, is venturing into new waters with the introduction of their new “delivery-free baby program”, an initiative to help parents and want-to-be parents bypass the inconvenient time it takes to conceive and deliver a child to begin or grow their family.

“Here at DiGiorno, we take our motto, ‘it’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno,’ very seriously,” said Dana Gilbert, media liaison for Nestlé, the parent company for DiGiorno. “But why should that motto only apply to scorching hot pizza that’ll burn your mouth as the cheese and toppings slide off, splashing our signature tomato-based sauce all over your favorite blouse? People love babies in America, but you know what they don’t love? The extremely high cost of delivering a child and the lack of affordable healthcare to cover those costs. That’s where we step in.”

According to the University of Wisconsin-Madison School of Medicine and Public Health, the average cost of childbirth in the United States ranges between $18,865 and $26,280 depending on whether or not your covered by health insurance. The average out of pocket cost for these births is about $2,852.

However, with DiGiorno’s new program, anyone who wants to be a parent can go to their local Walmart or Target and purchase a child for as little as $5.95 each, about the same price as a one-topping DiGiorno frozen pizza.

“And the best part is, you don’t need to microwave it,” said Gilbert with a playful chuckle. “But no, seriously, please don’t microwave the children.”

The company’s new program has come under intense scrutiny by health officials as it’s uncertain exactly where the company is getting its children and how they can keep them fed, clean, and clothed while charging less than $5 per child.

“It typically costs between $25,000 and $60,000 to adopt a child in the United States,” said Clara Fineberg, an agent at child protective services. “Something about this $5 child deal doesn’t add up. Something fishy is going on.”

“It’s not that hard to understand,” said Gilbert. “Ever since abortion was banned in like, half the states, there are hundreds of unwanted pregnancies that are being forced to term. The parents don’t want these babies. And I’m told that half the time they’re caused by incest or rape. Eww. So, we swoop in, grab the newborn from the dumpster and put it back on the market for some infertile family or stoned dude to swing by one of our stores and buy one. It’s like, 100-percent profit.”

Gilbert also addressed rumors that the company is also obtaining children separated from their parents during the increased amount of ICE raids happening around the country.

“I’m not saying we have an exclusive partnership with the Immigration & Customs Enforcement agency, but what I will say is it would be really benevolent of a company to rehouse these children after their illegal parents are sent to maximum security prison in Venezuela,” said Gilbert, with a wink. “I’m not saying we are, because I don’t know if that’s technically legal or not, I’m just saying if a company did that, it would be pretty cool of them.”

The DiGiorno Delivery-Free Baby Program is being piloted at several big box stores around the country and, depending on how well the pilot performs, the company is expecting a nationwide roll out sometime next year, coinciding with the launch of several DiGiorno brick-and-mortar restaurants where you can pick up hot-and-ready frozen pizzas and a few kids to share it with in a convenient one stop shop.