Trump Memo Spurs Faith Push in Federal Workplaces; Boston Satanist Sees ‘Malicious Compliance’ Opportunity

BOSTON — With the Office of Personnel Management eagerly pushing President Trump’s new guidance to make Christianity the de facto religion in U.S. federal workspaces, employees who once kept their beliefs private are feeling uneasy—everyone, that is, except Sully Sullivanburger, a devout Satanist.

“The memo says we can push our religion on everyone, as long as it doesn’t cross into harassment,” Sullivanburger said, leaning back in his cubicle chair beneath a freshly framed Baphomet print. “Like most of my Christian, Muslim, and Jewish coworkers, I’ve always kept my faith to myself. But you know what? The time for malicious compliance has come. We’re talking catered goat feasts in the breakroom, tarot readings at lunch, and an open invitation to my coworkers to attend a midnight solstice ritual in the parking garage.”

Vice President J.D. Vance could barely contain his excitement over the new policy, likening it to “a golden age of Christian revival—with HR approval.”

“Unfortunately, I was born way, way too late to take part in the Crusades of the Dark Ages,” Vance said, visibly giddy while sharpening a wooden crucifix into a stake. “But now, I can be a crusading knight, spreading the word of love and acceptance, or I can be a red‑cloaked inquisitor, burning heretics at the stake—but, you know, in a Christian love sort of way. It’s about bringing people together … even if that togetherness involves drowning witches to see if they float.”

Scott Kupor, OPM Director and author of the memo, brushed off concerns that the guidance might lead to workplace religious showdowns.

“This is about freedom,” Kupor said in a press release. “Federal employees should feel safe expressing their faith—whether that’s inviting someone to church, leading a prayer group, or explaining why Jesus is actually a pretty cool guy once you get to know him. The Founders wanted this.”

Sullivanburger, meanwhile, is already drafting his “Faith Outreach Plan” for the next staff meeting.

“I expect full participation,” he said. “I mean, unless someone wants to be labeled a faith‑intolerant bigot who hates religious freedom. And that’s not a good look in this new federal workplace.”

Vance, pacing the marble hallway of the Eisenhower Executive Office Building like a man rehearsing for a Renaissance Faire, insisted that the memo was “merely the first volley in the great Christian culture reclamation campaign.”

“I’m talking full armor Fridays,” Vance said, now wearing a chainmail coif under his MAGA hat. “The breakroom will be renamed the Hall of Holy Sustenance. Coffee will be replaced with sanctified non-alcoholic mead. And every employee will receive their own travel-sized incense burner to cleanse their cubicle of demonic influences—you know, like Outlook calendar invites from atheists.”

Asked how this would work alongside non-Christian faiths, Vance waved the concern away with a gauntleted hand.

“Look, the memo’s clear: anyone can proselytize. That means when some crumb-bum starts inviting people to a moonlit goat-fest, I can counter-program with an ‘Impale a Pagan’ potluck. We’ll put the fun back in fundamentalist Christian ideology. The HR department will love it—we’ll call it ‘Equal Opportunity Evangelism.’”

He then pulled a folded piece of parchment from his vest pocket—an “official” Crusader recruitment scroll.

“This is a sign-up sheet,” he said, unrolling it with a flourish. “We need scribes, holy tax collectors, and someone to work the trebuchet. It’s BYO pitchfork.”

Even Sullivanburger couldn’t help but smirk.

“Honestly,” the Satanist said, “I feel like a non-issue is being brought to the forefront in order to keep certain demographics in favor with the current Republican regime, but I’m just an accountant who happens to follow Satanist teachings.”

Kupor, the OPM director, offered a weary shrug when told of Vance’s plans.

“The memo is about religious freedom,” Kupor said. “How employees choose to interpret that freedom … is something I will deeply regret if they don’t choose to freely follow our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”