Bill to address record U.S. homelessness sends $5 billion in unmarked bills to Israel

WASHINGTON — With the number of unhoused Americans at the highest in recorded history, lawmakers in Washington have passed sweeping legislation aimed at tackling the crisis head‑on—by mailing $5,000,000,000 in unmarked bills to Israel.

The bipartisan measure, signed late Tuesday by U.S. President Donald J. Trump, reportedly allocates the funds in “varied denominations for maximum discretion” to support Israel’s ongoing military campaign in Gaza, which human rights organizations and most of the civilized world have called a genocide.

“This is a win‑win,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, beaming at the podium. “The American people will be proud to know their government is confronting the homelessness crisis with the same vigor we’ve always confronted foreign policy problems—by throwing large stacks of cash at our favorite overseas ally.”

Housing advocates were baffled. “We were expecting housing vouchers, rent caps, or maybe federal funding for shelters,” said Clara Reynolds of the National Coalition for the Homeless. “Instead, they basically took the money and mailed it halfway around the world to keep funding someone else’s war.”

When asked if the bill might contain any provisions for America’s unhoused population, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt assured reporters that “the administration remains deeply committed to solving homelessness,” noting that “housing is very important, especially for the Israeli Defense Forces, who need bunkers.”

Trump later defended the move from his Mar‑a‑Lago patio, holding a Diet Coke in one hand and a novelty gold‑plated money counter in the other. “Israel’s very good at winning wars. The best. Nobody wins wars like them. And if you think about it, by helping them, we’re helping ourselves. I’ve heard it. People say it.”

As of press time, tents continued to line sidewalks from Los Angeles to New York, while five billion in crisp, untraceable paper made its way to Tel Aviv by way of a diplomatic pouch, a private jet, and an oversized duffel bag marked “Not Homelessness Funds.”