Trump slaps ‘if it ain’t broke, fix it ’til it is’ sticker on his Tesla

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump was seen slapping a new bumper sticker on the Tesla he bought from Elon Musk earlier this year.

According to a White House staffer with intimate knowledge of the situation, the sticker, which read, If it ain’t broke, fix it ’til it is, was meant to poke fun at the mob of protesters outside the executive mansion who say Trump’s latest actions to federalize the D.C. police force and dispatch the National Guard is another example of how the President is just making things worse.

“President Trump is just trying to make our nation’s capitol the safest place it can be by taking out all the unsightly trash—and by that I mean all the homeless and poor people of color,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “I really don’t understand why the insane liberals aren’t on board with this plan. Oh, yeah, they apparently think poor people deserve to be treated as equals.”

In normal times, there would probably be a far-reaching consensus on the left that our federal government should do something about homelessness in our country, however, it appears the line in the liberal’s sand is drawn at deploying the military to clean up a fabricated problem the sitting president is creating to help normalize the idea of federalized troops and military in our cities streets.

“Crime in Washington D.C. is at a 30 year low right now, but one former DOGE staffer named ‘Big Balls’ gets beat up by a couple of teenage girls and now, according to the president, it’s so unsafe in the city he needs to invoke martial law,” said Peter Downey, a Washington D.C. native. “He’s also talking about doing the same thing in places like Baltimore and Oakland. He tried doing it in L.A. during the ICE protests. If this authoritarian overreach doesn’t scare you, I just got one question, how does the Kool-Aid taste?”

Tad Crater, the former dictator of Ackland, says he recognizes the tactics President Trump is using to seize power, because he did the same things himself.

“Donnie must’ve read my Yahoo! Bestselling book, The Art of the Dictatorship, because he’s following my playbook exactly,” said Crater. “First, discredit the media. Then, widen the political divide between your base and everyone else. Next, disenfranchise minorities to create an enemy of the people. He’s here, federalize the police and military to do your bidding. Next, all he needs to do is rig elections and oust anyone who would stand in his way for total domination and power. If you thought there was going to be an election in 2028, think again.”

MAGA’s attempt to oust Democratic and non-right leaning lawmakers is already underway. Notably, in Texas, where Gov. Greg Abbott is attempting to gerrymander districts to eliminate Democrat-held seats in favor of more GOP seats. Democrats are resisting by refusing to show up for the vote on the bill, effectively leaving the changes dead on arrival. 

Abbott, however, isn’t having it. He has threatened to remove these elected lawmakers from their seats if they don’t comply. He’s also working with the FBI to have them arrested and returned to Austin to force the vote.

Many Democrats across the country are not taking this threat to their representation lightly. In California, Gov. Gavin Newsom has threatened to gerrymander his state in favor of the Democrats if the Texas law pushes through, setting up what’s undoubtedly going to be an ugly shift in redistricting between now and the midterms.

So, what does the future have in store for our nation? It’s impossible to tell, but we’re tossing our favorite American flag into the raging dumpster fire to see what our resident oracle can see in the greasy flames.