Area man beginning to worry he may have gotten gay married

BOZEMAN, Mont. – When Charles Tushpusher got married in 2019, he thought he was just entering a legally binding contract with his best friend in the eyes of the government.

However, with news breaking that the U.S. Supreme Court will be hearing a case to overturn Obergefell v. Hodges, a landmark ruling that extended marriage rights to all couples, Tushpusher is worried that he and his spouse may have gotten “gay married” and that marriage may be in jeopardy.

“All I’ve been seeing on social media lately is ‘gay marriage’ this and ‘gay marriage’ that, but what the hell is gay marriage?” asked Tushpusher. “I’m pretty sure the Obergefell verdict pretty clearly stated that anyone can get married to the person they love, whoever that is. Marriage is marriage. Love is love, you know? Do you think that maybe love is the problem?”

The woman behind this controversial case is Kim Davis, a former Kentucky county clerk who was arrested and spent 5 days in jail for contempt of court after she refused to file marriage licenses to same sex couples, claiming she was answering a higher call from God to keep these sinners from getting married, regardless of what man’s law very clearly stated. Ironically, Ms. Davis been married four different times herself, begging the question, is she the right person to make decisions on who is worthy of getting married, and who isn’t?

“I think, when you’ve had your heart broken that many times, maybe you’ve given up on the idea of love and seeing people around you in love makes you resent them because they have what you want but have been unable to find,” said Tad Crater, a certified relationship and marriage coach. “Love is a beautiful thing but it’s no coincidence that we also have generations of stories warning of how dangerous love can be. There’s Romeo & Juliet, Anna Karenina, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and so many more.”

However, after taking a deeper dive into the cesspool of social media, Crater believes this hatred for gay marriage actually has nothing to do with the people who’re in love, but rather intolerant fucks who get triggered by the simple idea that someone can find happiness in a way that’s different than them.

“In they eyes of the law, marriage is just marriage, gay marriage isn’t a real thing,” said Crater. “It’s just a term made up for homophobic fuck faces to spread hate to people living a lifestyle they don’t understand or are trying to hide from because they’re afraid it might actually align with their bodily impulses that they’ve been conditioned to believe are unnatural and unholy. I’m really not sure why the actions of consenting adults in the privacy of their own home are so triggering for these, what do the kids call them? Snowflakes? Yeah, I think that’s it.”

“Look, I am a firm believer that everyone has the God-given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” said Max “Alpha Male” Doherty, an anti-woke proud boy from southern Arkansas. “Unless, of course, you’re a Jew, Muslim, gay, or a n****r. That shit ain’t right.”

This isn’t the first time Davis has attempted to overturn the ruling of Obergefell v. Hodges. In 2019, she petitioned the Supreme Court to hear her case but that petition was denied. However, with the current Republican super majority in the country’s highest court, Davis is hoping for a different outcome.

So, what does all this mean? For the first time since 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court is going to weigh in on whether or not marriage equality is constitutional. If Obergefell is overturned, same sex marriages may be in jeopardy, leaving the futures of many families uncertain.

“Oh, so it’s just going to effect, like, gay people,” said Tushpusher. “Thank god I’m not gay, then. I mean, my wife has the biggest, fattest cock I’ve ever had inside me, but she’s a woman, so we’re good.”