Gulf of America Officially Renamed ‘Gulf of Epstein’ by International Coalition

WASHINGTON — In what historians are already calling “the most awkward rebrand since New Coke,” a coalition of leaders from North America, South America, and the Caribbean announced Wednesday that the Gulf of America will once again be renamed, this time to the “Gulf of Epstein.”

Alonzo Chavez, representing the coalition, delivered the proclamation in person to U.S. Vice President J.D. Vance, who promptly used the occasion to deliver an incoherent 14-minute soliloquy about an Epstein list that, by his own admission, doesn’t exist—except when it does.

“Donald trump does not appear on the Epstein list for the simple reason that there is no Epstein list, except for the list we found that has democrat names on it and the democrats sat on that information because it was only their names but also they made it up, Biden made up the list and – but, sat on it, he sat on it and Obama – Obama … did not release the list,” said Vance. “And Trump doesn’t want to release the list to protect the victims, and the only victim here is Donald Trump, he is the victim of a witch hunt, so he – so he and he appears on the list – on the list of victims.

“But Trump good, Trump good, Bill Clinton un-good, un … double-plus un-good, 36 trips too Epstein Island, Bill Clinton, Bill Clinton wrong-think, Bill Clinton sex-crime, Trump no sex-crime, good sex only, trump double-plus good, telescreen, prole-feed, duck-speak, duck-speak on prole-feed,” an increasingly incoherent Vance said. “Prole-feed say, ‘Bill Clinton bad. Trump good. Bill Clinton un-person, Bill Clinton joy-camp, belly-feel, belly-feel joy-camp. All people, not good.’ Thank you.”

Following Vance’s oratory migraine, Alina Habba, counselor to President Trump, fielded questions from reporters with the agility of a pinball machine tilted toward chaos.

“When will you release the full Epstein file?” asked Vaughn Hillyard, MSNBC’s senior White House Correspondent.

“They’re putting real sugar in Coca-Cola again, no more high fructose corn syrup, thanks to President Trump. Make America tasty again? I think so,” replied Habba. “Regular NBC.”

“You promised to release the full Epstein file,” said NBC White House correspondent Peter Alexander.

“Sydney Sweeney is not a nazi, she is a beautiful young woman and an American hero, and I support her glory fully,” said Habba. “NPR. HA! Just joking, Fox.”

“Did Donald Trump write a birthday message to Jeffrey Epstein?” said Jacqui Heinrich, in a rare display of journalistic integrity.

“They should rename the Redskins, at least I think they should,” said Habba. “They should rename all of them.”

Heinrich attempted to follow up with, “Did Giselle Maxwell give any indication-.” before being interrupted by a clearly distraught Habba.

“God damn it! We’re giving you people gold and you want to talk about Epstein?” shouted Habba. “We have masked law enforcement agents grabbing people out of vans and putting them in other scarier vans! You want to know about the Epstein client list? There is no client list! You want to know about Jeffrey Epstein? He sucked at bookkeeping, get mad at him for that! And the molesting tweens, he was bad at bookkeeping and he was doing stuff to kids.”

As the press room became increasingly uncomfortable, Habba continued.

“If the President wanted to fuck a child … he used to own a beauty pageant!” stated Habba, sweat streaming down her brow. “Can we agree if he wanted to rape a teenager he would have done it at his own organization, rather than outsourcing it to a pervert who was a Mossad agent?!”

In what was described as a moment of clarity by onlooking media, Habba wiped the sweat from her brow as her irises contracted.

“Hold on now, don’t take that out of context,” said Habba. “If [Trump] raped anybody, and I’m not saying he did, they were all 17, but looked 19, they were very mature, and there was a maximum of three of them. Fuck!”

“Honestly, we only did this because we thought it was funny,” Chavez told reporters after the mad house of a press conference. “We figured if the U.S. is going to spend this much time talking about the Epstein guy, you might as well put his name on a body of water.”

Officials say maps will be updated to reflect the “Gulf of Epstein” designation by early next year, though tourist brochures may require “significant content edits.”