Pam Bondi classifies Subway footlongs as weapons of mass destruction

WASHINGTON – After a former Department of Justice employee was fired for throwing a Subway footlong Spicy Nacho Chicken sandwich at an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced the DOJ is classifying the popular lunch menu items as weapons of mass destruction.

Sean Charles Dunn, 37, was an international affairs officer in the department’s criminal division before being let go for what may boil down to the modern version of the “shot heard round the world“, in what is quickly becoming the dumbest timeline imaginable.

“It doesn’t matter if you use a gun, a knife, or a lightly toasted loaf of rye, we do not support or excuse any sort of violence against our law enforcement officers,” said Bondi during a press conference, complete with diagrams of the inner workings of a Subway sandwich, including rotisserie chicken, American cheese, and a bump stock. “Anyone caught with an assortment of meats and cheeses between slices of bread in the greater Washington D.C. metropolitan area will be considered a terrorist and treated as such.”

According to court filings, Dunn confronted ICE Agent Gregory Lairmore around 11 p.m. on August 10th, near the U Street corridor in Northwest Washington, a neighborhood celebrated for its Black cultural legacy and LGBTQ-friendly nightlife, stood “within inches” of the agent’s face and shouted, “Fuck you! You fucking fascists! Why are you here? I don’t want you in my city!”

Earlier this month, President Trump ordered the streets of Washington to be flooded with ICE agents, federalized police, and the National Guard to crack down on what he calls, “the most violent city in the history of the human race, and the dinosaurs, probably,” despite the Department of Justice announcing earlier this year that the crime rate in the nation’s capital was actually at its lowest point in thirty years.

“The city of Washington has never been safer,” said Darlene Walz, who moved to Washington in the summer in 1989. “I’ve seen this city go through some rough times, but I can confidently say that I’ve never felt safer here. Well, that was until the streets were filled with men in masks grabbing people off the street and making them disappear. I’m talking about the police, if you didn’t catch on.”

Walz also said she believes the city has room for improvement when it comes to crime and cleanliness, but the president’s actions feel more like a fortification than a beautification project.

“I think every American city can do with a good sweep and mop, if you know what I mean,” said Walz. “What I don’t mean is rounding up brown people and throwing them into jail or deporting them. I’m all for cleaning the cities, but maybe the government should’ve poured more money into services to help those in need to help them rise up, rather than cutting it all to give tax breaks to the super wealthy and then treating them like trash. I dunno, that seems like the good Christian thing to do, to me.”

Critics of the President’s federalization of police and deployment of the National Guard say he isn’t doing any of this to help the American people, he’s doing it to normalize the idea of militarized troops patrolling our cities as he steadily creeps his authoritarian dreamscape into everyday life.

“I was in L.A. when he deployed the National Guard to protect federal assets during the anti-ICE protests out there,” said Tad Crater, a former DARPA employee who was fired for accidently causing a 4.8 magnitude earthquake in New Jersey back in 2024. “The Soldiers were so bored because the protests were peaceful and they weren’t needed, despite what the President said. The president who has been caught lying in just about every sentence he’s ever spoken. Shocker, right? Was there some violence? Yeah, near the outskirts of the protests and the local police took care of it easily. The deployment of military forces was unnecessary, wasteful, and nothing more than a building block to the president’s plan to militarize the entire nation. Oh, also, Trump is in the Epstein list.”

Despite the overwhelming evidence that Washington D.C. is safer today than it has been over the past three decades, the MAGA cult wasted no time coming to the president’s defense, with irrefutable evidence that the city is a crime-ridden war zone because of … wheelies.

I brought my family to DC for the Cherry Blossom festival.

The first thing I saw when I exited the L’Enfant Plaza Metro was a gang of youths driving ATVs down the street, one of whom was doing a wheelie

So forgive me if I doubt that crime is down

— Will Chamberlain (@willchamberlain) August 11, 2025

Meanwhile, over at Subway headquarters, the marketing team is frantically trying to figure out how to capitalize on this PR opportunity.

“American Eagle made, like, millions of dollars with Sydney Sweeney make some arguably Nazi comments,” said Gerald Miller, Subway’s chief of marketing. “We’ve got a middle-aged white guy with three names. Maybe we could hire Sydney to peg Dunn’s asshole with a footlong and make some anti-LGBTQ comments? C’mon people, we need to think outside the box, here. The bigger the controversy, the better. Just don’t bring back Jared, he’s probably on Epstein’s list, with President Trump.”

Thankfully, someone talked Miller out of pegging anyone’s asshole and they’ve decided to bring back Happy Gilmore to promote his new movie on Netflix and the company’s hard stance against fascism.