A T-Shirt? In the White House?!

WASHINGTON — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky returned to the White House on Monday for high-stakes talks with U.S. President Donald Trump and a delegation of European leaders. But the first shock of the day didn’t come from policy disputes—it came from Zelensky’s wardrobe.

According to White House insiders, Vice President J.D. Vance was discovered crouched in the shrubbery outside the North Portico, face streaked with mud, claiming he had “eyes on the target.” What horrified him? Zelensky’s choice of clothing: a plain cotton T-shirt.

“It’s like he didn’t learn anything from the last time he visited Daddy,” whispered Vance, camouflaged under a crown of leaves. “I told him: you wear a suit when you talk to my master. But here he comes again, insulting the nation with his little crew-neck rebellion. And he doesn’t even look that hot in it.”

Vance, visibly agitated and muttering about “protocols of respect,” vowed to advise Trump against further generosity toward Ukraine. “He still hasn’t even said thank you,” Vance said. “Unless you count the times he said thank you. But that doesn’t count.”

The Oval Office meeting—meant to focus on Ukraine’s defense against Russia and Europe’s united front—may now be overshadowed by the vice president’s fashion grievance. European leaders, including Emmanuel Macron, Keir Starmer, and Ursula von der Leyen, reportedly prepared statements on NATO security guarantees. Whether those will be heard over Vance’s complaints about cotton blends remains unclear.

BREAKING NEWS

Update: Vance emerged from the White House briefing room, flushed with triumph and clutching a wrinkled index card labeled Victory Speech #12.

“Daddy told the Ukrainian man to wear a suit and he did!” Vance declared, waving his arms as though announcing peace in our time. “This is proof that American leadership still matters. I’m glad that guy could put aside his pride and do what was best for his people.”

Vance went on to lecture the press corps for seven uninterrupted minutes about international fashion standards, insisting that “real wartime leadership means taking off your uniform and putting on a suit when you need to.”

Pausing dramatically, he added, “And yet… I’m still waiting for that thank you.” Reporters say Vance then stared silently into the middle distance for a full 45 seconds, as if listening for the gratitude of nations.