Suit Up: Zelenskyy’s Wardrobe Wins Applause From White House Toddlers

WASHINGTON — Ukraine may be under bombardment from Russian missiles, but U.S. Vice President J.D. Vance declared Thursday that the real breakthrough came when Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy finally wore a suit to the White House.

“Daddy told the Ukrainian man to wear a suit, and he did!” Vance exclaimed, clapping his hands in the Rose Garden like a toddler at a birthday party. “I’m glad that guy could put aside his pride and do what was best for his people. That guy needs to realize his country is at war, and that means taking off your uniform and putting on a suit when you need to.”

Vance, who added he’s still waiting for a “thank you,” also claimed credit for what he called “one of the great diplomatic victories of the 21st century, bigger than NATO or whatever.” He then turned to reporters and pouted: “And nobody even got me a juice box. Not grape, not apple, nothing. Do you know how hard it is to do foreign policy without a juice box?”

Later, when asked if he thought Zelenskyy’s attire would influence Ukraine’s battlefield situation, Vance doubled down. “Clothes make the man. Suits win wars. If he keeps this up, I might even let him sit at the big table. Good boy, Volodymyr. Very good boy.”

President Donald Trump, standing beside him, leaned into the microphones and reminded the press corps that his draft deferment from Vietnam was “the most legitimate bone spurs deferment, the doctors all said so, the best spurs anyone’s ever seen.” Trump added that Zelenskyy’s suit “looked very Trumpian — strong, classy, no stains, not like Biden’s suits which probably smell like soup.”

Tad Crater, conspiracy hobbyist turned semi-credible analyst, muttered from behind a hedge outside the South Lawn. “We’re in the middle of a land war in Europe, and these clowns are obsessed with tailoring. Next week they’ll probably declare victory if Zelenskyy ties a Windsor knot. The American empire falls one necktie at a time.”

Zelenskyy, by contrast, offered no theatrics. Speaking slowly in accented but clear English, he said only: “I wore the suit for respect. Not for Mr. Trump. Not for Mr. Vance. For the people of Ukraine, who fight and die each day. The clothes do not matter. Only freedom matters.”

The White House later issued an official statement declaring the summit “historic, stylish, and extremely well-dressed.”