Noem Sees a Red Wall and Noem Wants it Painted Black

SANTA TERESA, N.M. — Kristi Noem, the Homeland Security Secretary best known for killing a puppy because it acted like a puppy, announced Tuesday that the Trump administration will paint the southern border wall black.

The idea, she said, came directly from President Donald Trump, who believes the darker shade will absorb more desert sun, making the wall too hot to climb.

“It’s a good idea, and will only cost a few million,” said Noem, brushing off questions about whether gloves, boots, or common sense might undermine the plan.

Noem touted the wall as “tall, deep, and now uncomfortably warm,” positioning the paint job as the final, stylish deterrent in the administration’s immigration strategy. She claimed the paint will also help prevent rust, as if black were both a color and a miracle coating.

The administration secured $46.5 billion through the Trump-backed “One Big Beautiful Bill Act” to finish 700 miles of barrier, sensors, and technology. A portion of that funding will now buy thousands of gallons of matte-black paint, ensuring the border doubles as the world’s largest Easy-Bake Oven.

Opponents dismissed the project as another expensive gesture. “People climbing the wall will probably just wear gloves or something,” one critic said, noting that migrant desperation is unlikely to be stopped by Sherwin-Williams.

But Noem, puppy killer turned paint-spokeswoman, insisted the plan proves Trump’s border vision remains alive: one steel slat, one brushstroke, and one dead puppy at a time.