Grok-powered assault droids deployed to help prevent school shootings

All around the nation, cities and towns are gearing up for the 2025 school shooting season, err … we mean school year.

This year, many students may be surprised to see a new school resource officer roaming the halls, a brand new Grok-powered TI-8300 assault droid, developed by Texas Instruments—the same company behind the graphing calculators we were all required to have in the 90s and early 2000s.

“We’ve partnered with xAI to deliver a state-of-the-art, military grade defense robot that will help defend our students—the future of our great nation—from active shooters, illegal immigrants, and woke ideology,” said Patrick O’Shea, a spokesman for Texas Instruments. “We’re really excited to be a part of this initiative to create a safer learning environment for our kids.”

According to the statement released by Texas Instruments, the TI-8300 is equipped with multiple de-escalation tools to prevent mass casualty events such as pepper spray, long-range acoustic devices, and .50 caliber machine guns.

“This thing is a real beaut’,” said O’Shea. “It will quickly identify potential threats and attempt to diffuse the situation using state-of-the-art non-lethal technology. If the perp continues to demonstrate hostile intent, such as brandishing a firearm or having too much melanin, it can eliminate the threat by turning the perp to red mist. The TI-8300 will make our schools safer than ever before.”

While many people, most of whom are only really concerned about the life of a child prior to its birth, celebrate the launch of this new war machine as a victory for the Second Amendment and completely unregulated capitalism, some people are expressing concern about Texas Instrument’s most recent report about the robot’s behavior, especially around minorities.

“Yes, it’s true that our initial testing shows that the TI-8300 has about a 72-percent chance of shooting students of color on sight, but we’re confident that our team can work out any of those little hiccups before the start of the school year next week,” said O’Shea. “It’s possible there could be a slight uptick in dead children at the beginning of the school year, but as the AI evolves, it will learn to differentiate between a law-abiding child, regardless of their race and gender, and an illegal immigrant or gangbanger. And when that happens, we’ll have the safest schools in the world.”

Despite the promises made by Texas Instruments, not everyone is eager to embrace this new technology. News about the TI-8300 was kept surprisingly quiet, especially from xAI’s loquacious leader, Elon Musk, prior to today’s announcement. This could be due to rising competition in the AI and robotics fields, but it’s most likely because of Musk’s alleged reworking of the Grok algorithm, which changed the chatbot from a rationally thinking computer program to a racist piece of shit.

“I asked Grok why Juneteenth was an important holiday, and it called me a ‘woke n***** lover’,” said Tad Crater, a doomsday prepper who believes this rise in AI is a watershed moment toward the death of humanity. “Wake up sheeple. Write your obituaries now, because we are all fucking dead.”

For some, the concern isn’t the AI so much as it is our nation’s obsession with solving problems by throwing guns at it.

“They say the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” said Franklin Smith, a kindergarten teacher from Tulsa, Oklahoma. “But what if we just passed some commonsense gun regulations that helped prevent deadly weapons from getting into the hands of people who would do harm? Look, I’m a big gun guy, I love shooting. But I’m not okay with dead kids. That’s where I draw the line.”

Smith also said his city council was so skittish about proposing any law or legislation that might so much as hint at the idea of gun regulations to protect children that one member suggested each teacher and faculty member be issued suicide vests to “take out the gunman quickly with minimal loss of life.”

There’s a growing movement of people who stand with Smith, saying that investing taxpayer dollars on war machines that’ll be used against U.S. citizens is both unconstitutional and unethical. Some are even going as far as accusing the President of using government funds—money that had originally been appropriated for combating Ebola and other infectious diseases in Africa through USAID—to build a droid army to suppress the American people.

“When you see the President of the United States activating the military and commissioning battle droids to use against the citizens of this country, we’re no longer in a free, democratic society, we’re in an authoritarian nightmare,” said Crater. “I’ve read 1984. The attacks against the media and minorities, the attempts at rewriting history, the newspeak. This administration is quickly turning Trump into Big Brother and that should scare us all.”