God comes out as gay

HEAVEN – God, creator of man and the universe, has come out as gay in a newly unearthed stone tablet near the ancient city of Babylon.

News of the Holy Father’s sexuality has taken the Christian faithful by storm, especially after centuries of using their religion to condemn the LGBTIA+ community.

“God has gone woke?” said Greg Feng, an Arizona man who joined the Christian religion in 2012 to validate his homophobic views. “Fuck that fag, I’m Jewish now.”

The stone tablet, which was discovered by Diane and Rebecca Fulton, a married archeological team, call the tablet a great advancement in the fight for equal rights.

“What’s truly remarkable about this find is that the tablet refers to God in the feminine form,” said Rebecca Fulton. “It calls her The Mother, which I think makes total sense. If women make life here on Earth, it makes sense the Heavenly mother made all life.”

Since the announcement of the tablet’s discovery, holy men around the globe have fallen to their knees, praying the ancient transcription had been mistranslated.

“I thought my sexuality was pretty obvious,” said God. “I made all humans in my image and y’all are queer as Hell, especially those of you who try and deny it. You can’t hide it from me sugar tits, I see what you do in that closet.”

God then cupped her hands around her mouth and let out a prolonged “gaaaaaaaaaay.”

The approval rating for Christianity among the LGBTQIA+ community has skyrocketed since God came out as gay, however, many of the super conservative Christians refuse to accept God as both female and lesbian, saying it goes against what’s said in the Bible.

“The Bible clearly refers to God as He,” said Thomas Kale, an aspiring televangelist minister. “It also very clearly states that marriage is between a man and a woman, and homosexuality is wrong. So, I don’t care what God says, the Bible is the true word of God, and I stand by that.”

“I can be a he,” said God. “I can also be a she. I can also be the best of both worlds, if you catch my meaning.”

Kale also said that, if what God said were true, then he’d happily go to Hell because Heaven isn’t meant ot be a place for heathens.

“Oh, honey,” said God was a sorrowful look on her face. “Satan is just as gay as the rest of us. The only difference is the sex down there is a lot less pleasurable and a lot more, how can I say this delicately, rapey. No lube, just rock-hard fiery demon dick right up your poop shoot. Now look, I’m not saying you have to be gay. I gave you all the freedom to choose. I’ll love you if you’re straight, I’ll love you if you’re gay, I’ll love you if you’re somewhere in between. All I’m saying is, being gay, bisexual, or transgender isn’t unnatural, it’s all beautiful because it’s all me and that makes it all you.”

Despite her pleas for civility and respect, many people aren’t taking this dramatic shift in church canon lightly. Many right-wing podcasters have called for the cancelation of the Christian faith saying, “go woke, go broke.” And that message appears to be reaching its audience—namely impressionable young men who believe being an alpha male is actually something they should strive for. Churches all around the globe are reporting their weekly tithes and offerings are down nearly 70%.

“It’s really unfortunate that so many people are disenfranchised by the Christian church because our Lord and Savior has come out as gay,” said Rev. Megan Phillips. “The core of our religion is kindness and opening our arms to those less fortunate, but that message appears to have diluted by this idea that our faith sets us above others and makes us more worthy of God’s love. But the truth is, God loves us all and forgives us for our sins. We just need to do a better job of forgiving ourselves and allowing ourselves to let go of the prejudice and hate in our hearts and welcome in the gayness we’ve all been suppressing.”

“It’s true, I do love all my creations,” said God. “Except pedophiles. You guys disgust me and are unredeemable. When I gave you the right to choose, I didn’t mean for you to choose children, you sick fucks. I know who’s on Epstein’s list and you all have a ticket straight to Hell. Satan’s expecting you.”

According to our exclusive interview with God, she said there’s still hope for most of humanity, acknowledging that the actions of a few bad people don’t skew the curve of goodness in humanity. If you want to reserve your space in Heaven, it doesn’t take blind devotion to a mystical being in the sky, it takes action—being kind to your fellow man, helping those less fortunate than yourself, and loving each other for who they are, not for who you think they should be.

“I don’t need you to love me,” said God. “I need you to love thy neighbor. Despite what my fan fiction says, I’m not watching your every move. I leave the creeping up to Santa Claus. Just do the right thing and open your mind to see the world through other people’s eyes. You do that, and I’ll see you again on the other side.”