Report: Fallopian tube gun violence on the rise

THE UTERUS – A new report published by the Department of Health and Human Services has indicated that gun violence in the fallopian tubes of women around the country is steadily and rapidly rising.

The report suggested the spike in violence is likely due to sperm’s increased desire to fertilize an egg thanks to the United States’ government’s push to illegalize abortion.

“You simply don’t see this level of violence among sperm in the throat or anus,” and Dr. Martin Spunk, HHS’s chief andrologist. “With fewer and fewer abortions happening in this country, more sperm is willing to fight for their right to fertilize a woman’s egg. While I would like to send my thoughts and prayers to the sperm killed in these horrific events, it’s also important to understand that gun violence is a part of American culture and if the sperm can’t handle a little violence in the fallopian tube, it probably can’t handle a school hallway.”

For many Americans, the fact gun violence has spread so far, it’s now negatively affecting gametes so young that the most conservative right-wingers wouldn’t even consider them children, should be a wakeup call that we need to do something beyond simple thoughts and prayers.

“It’s really sad that our nation is so obsessed with guns that now we have to worry about our future children being killed by assault weapons before they’ve even fertilized the egg,” said Dana Gulliver, a concerned citizen and mother of four. “You can’t blame this on mental health either because they haven’t even developed a brain yet. Why are we making guns that small anyway? What’s the point?”

Even Vice President J.D. Vance, who notoriously called school shootings a “fact of life”, said this level of gun violence has gone too far.

“The fact our children are dying before they’re being born is un-Christian and un-American,” said Vance. “If children are going to die, they should die with their mothers in childbirth or in the classroom, just a God intended.”

Following a recent mass shooting in the fallopian tubes of a Florida woman, President Trump said he’s not ruling out the idea of deploying the National Guard to women’s uteruses around the nation to crack down on what he calls, “a really ugly situation.”

“It’s really important that we protect women’s bodies and the children they’re going to bear, whether they want it or not,” said Trump. “We obviously can’t trust women to do it themselves, so the brave men of the National Guard, not the women soldiers, we can’t trust them, will need to step up and take care of the situation. I think they’ll do a great job. Men have a long, long history of doing what’s best for women. I don’t like science a lot because, frankly, I think they get a lot of things wrong, but it’s hard to deny 2,000 years of evidence that men know what’s best about a women’s body.”

Trump also said he is talking with Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem about using ICE agents to raid women’s vaginas in order to deport suspicious seed—particularly if she’d recently had intercourse with a man of Central American decent—who they believe may be more inclined to participate in malicious activities such as gun violence, working in the country without proper documentation, or voting Democrat.

He made no comment about taking proactive steps to actually reducing gun violence in the country.

“This administration’s idea of solving a problem is throwing the military and ICE at it in hopes of making it disappear,” said Tad Crater, a board-certified children’s psychologist. “They’re really good at attacking minorities and people suffering from disorders, but they’re terrible at attacking the root cause of any problem. They say gun violence is caused by mental health issues. Fine. But then why did they cut $31 billion dollars that would go to healthcare for people who need it? To me, it sounds like they don’t care about your mental health because it gives them an easy scapegoat to pass the buck away from the weapons people are using to brutally murder others.”

According to the Commonwealth Fund and a 2021 Global Burden of Disease study, the United States ranks above the 90th percentile in all demographics of gun violence and most U.S. states experience more gun violence per capita than nearly every other country in the world outside those experiencing direct military conflict.

The debate over gun ownership rights versus the God-given right to life in America is a seemingly endless debate, but the U.S. has made efforts in the past to quell gun violence in the past. In 1994, President Bill Clinton signed the Public Safety and Recreational Firearms Use Protections Act into law. This law, which was given bipartisan support from former presidents Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, and Ronald Reagan, was written with the intent to “prohibit the manufacture, transfer, or possession of a semiautomatic assault weapon.”

When this law expired in 2004, the results of its effectiveness was fiercely debated by lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, mostly due to loopholes in the law that many argued made it not as effective as it should’ve been. Despite the debate, one thing is undeniable, since the law’s expiration, the number of violent crimes committed with firearms, particularly the AR-15, have skyrocketed in direct correlation to the increased production of AR-15 style rifles in the country.

This data has led many rationally minded people to understand that while it’s true a gun cannot kill anyone without someone with malicious intent behind the trigger, the increased availability to these weapons is having a direct impact on their use in mass shootings and simple, common-sense gun laws, which won’t infract on Second Amendment rights, will likely reduce the amount of gun violence in the country.

“I would think most law-abiding gun owners would be in favor of common-sense gun laws,” said Crater. “Fewer incidents of gun violence means fewer dead children and less demonization of guns. You throw in some good old-fashioned funding for mental health care, increase the minimum wage, decrease the cost of living, and you’ll really start to see America become great. It really shouldn’t be this hard.”

According to a recent Alpine 6 Action News poll, most U.S. citizens don’t see any comprehensive gun reform happening anytime soon. However, nearly 98% of those people polled agree that until something is done to reduce gun violence in this country, fallopian tubes will henceforth be known as Fallujah tubes.