Trump: the world would literally disintegrate without me

WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump assured the world Tuesday that its very existence depends entirely on him and the United States.

“Without the United States everything in the world would die,” Trump said at a press conference, pausing as his supporters cheered before their televisions tuned exclusively to Fox News. “It’s true. It’s powerful, and I made it really big. Bigger than ever. Nobody’s ever seen a world not die like this before.”

Vice President J.D. Vance quickly reinforced the president’s remarks in his usual stream-of-consciousness fashion.

“People don’t understand the science of it. If you unplug America, the oceans evaporate like soup left out in the sun. Grass just curls up and turns into paper. You’d have grandmothers floating into space because gravity is a Trump invention,” Vance said, before adding, “Daddy told me this personally.”

MAGA supporters offered equally apocalyptic testimonies.

“Every time I turn on my toaster, I thank Trump, because if Biden was president, we’d be eating raw bread in the dark,” said Carla Whittle of Ackland.

Another man, shirtless except for an American flag cape, shouted, “The sun runs on coal that Trump personally shoveled into it in 2018. If he leaves office, boom, no sun, just Hunter Biden flashlight batteries!”

A third supporter held a sign reading Earth Lives Matter (Because Trump Says So) and explained, “Trees breathe because Trump told them to. Before that, they were just sticks.”

Despite widespread scientific consensus that the planet operates on natural systems independent of presidential speeches, Trump insisted again that the entire biosphere owes its survival to him.

“Plants, animals, clouds, rocks, the moon—it’s all Trump,” he said. “And if you don’t believe it, just wait until you stop breathing. Then you’ll say, ‘Wow, Trump was right again.’”