Going Cuckoo for Coco Puffs

WASHINGTON — In a move that shocked parents, cereal companies, and at least one bird mascot, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that all boxes of Cocoa Puffs must be removed from grocery store shelves immediately, calling the chocolate-flavored cereal “a direct threat to the mental stability of America’s youth.”

“I’ve seen kids, totally normal, totally fine, have one bite of Cocoa Puffs, and they immediately go cuckoo,” Kennedy said at a press briefing, flapping his arms and spinning in circles to demonstrate the effect. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow our children to start their day like rabid pigeons on a sugar bender.”

The proposed ban goes further than pulling the cereal from shelves. Kennedy has also recommended jail time for parents who knowingly give Cocoa Puffs to their children, calling it “child endangerment with a chocolatey aftertaste.”

Critics blasted the announcement as government overreach. “What’s next, locking us up for Lucky Charms?” asked Tad Crater, president of the National Association of Breakfast Freedom. “This is America, and if I want my kid bouncing off the walls at 7:30 a.m., that’s my constitutional right.”

Vice President J.D. Vance, who admitted he has never eaten Cocoa Puffs, but once saw the commercial where the bird went nuts, backed the ban. “That bird was clearly on something. Probably fentanyl,” Vance said. “I think Bobby’s being brave here, and I don’t want my kids growing up cuckoo.”

Not everyone agrees. Billy Windleton, director of the advocacy group Cucks for Cocoa Puffs, condemned the move. “Sometimes when you’re watching your wife get railed by a stranger, all you want to do is sit in that hotel room chair and have a nice bowl of Cocoa Puffs,” Windleton said. “Taking that away is cruel and un-American.”

General Mills, the maker of Cocoa Puffs, issued a statement saying the company was “deeply concerned” by the move but also noted sales of Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Cap’n Crunch had spiked within minutes of Kennedy’s announcement.

At press time, the iconic Cocoa Puffs mascot, Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, could not be reached for comment. Sources say he was last seen in an undisclosed facility undergoing treatment for “chronic hyperactivity related to prolonged exposure to his own product.”