Straight guy with breast implants is having the time of his life

PHEONIX, Ariz. – A local man who recently underwent an elective surgery to get breast implants is reportedly having the time of his life, as the breast augmentation is easily distracting him from the chaos ensuing around him on a daily basis.

Harold Humphrey, 42, says the implants have not one given him a much-needed distraction from life, they’ve also helped him lower the amount of sexual harassment claims against him at work.

“Don’t get me wrong, I still love women,” said Humphrey. “But now that I have my own tits, I don’t have to worry about Sheila in marketing making a complaint about me because I can’t take my eyes—and sometimes my hands—off her glorious chest pillows. If I get that tingly feeling in my pee pee, I just grab my chest and massage the silicone goodness until that feeling goes away.”

Humphrey also added that he’s surprised more men don’t take the opportunity to get their own boobies, claiming the world would likely be a lot less chaotic if everyone had some semi-natural stress balls installed on their chests.

“The world is so crazy right now with everyone blaming everyone else for everything,” said Humphrey. “But we’re blessed to live in a day and age when anyone can go down to their local plastic surgeon and get the tits of their dreams. It’s 2025, we shouldn’t be dealing with fascism or poverty or sexual harassment claims anymore. I think if more dudes got their own tits, the world would be a better place, for real.”

When asked about whether or not he was concerned about other men making hateful or homophobic comments about his decision to get breast implants, Humphrey didn’t seem too bothered.

“They can call me gay or trans, or whatever, I’m not worried about that,” said Humphrey. “The fact of the matter is, I have boobs I can play with whenever I want; they don’t. Who’s the real loser in this situation?”

We spoke with several other straight men to get their opinion on getting breast implants and nearly all of them agreed that they most likely wouldn’t go through with that procedure due to fears that they’d be perceived as anything other than straight and that women would find them undesirable. However, when we questioned women about whether or not they’d be supportive of this idea, a majority agreed that they wouldn’t be opposed to more men having breasts.

“I don’t know who needs to hear this, but women love tits, too,” said Angelica Ramirez, a 24-year-old waitress and aspiring actress. “One of the worst things about having sex with a guy is that you never know where to put your hands. But you slap some big ol’ perky funbags in my face as you ravage my insides and that problem is solved.”

Tad Crater, a sexual assault response coordinator for the state of Idaho, believes boobs are the answer to ending the war in Ukraine, the genocide in Gaza, and creating a lasting world peace for everyone.

“In all my months of being an expert on sexual assault and harassment, I can tell you with absolute, no-evidence based facts that the driving factor for aggressive male behavior is the lack of constant boobies in their lives,” said Crater. “It’s scientifically proven, based on my quick Bing search, that men are less aggressive when they have boobs to look at and play with. In the past, unfortunately, men would look to sooth their aggressive nature by touching, playing, or looking at the boobs of women near them, which has led to more sexual assault and harassment. But if you give men boobs—poof—no more aggression, no more war, and lasting world peace.”

Despite the endorsement for male breast augmentation from RFK Jr.-like professionals like Crater, the vast majority of men still seem hesitant to make the leap into getting their own breasts. That’s why Humphrey has created a new advocacy group called Boobs for Dudes, to highlight the benefits of getting breast implants.

Unfortunately, the first meeting of Boobs for Dudes only attracted a large group of convicted sex offenders and pedophiles. But that setback isn’t stopping Humphrey from continuing on his mission. And, if the pressure ever gets too much, he’ll simply massage his nipples and juggle his silicone humps until the stress melts away.