DoD gives Coast Guard back to the DHS after ship found covered in swastikas

WASHINGTON – The Department of Defense has officially given the Coast Guard back to the Department of Homeland Security after a cutter was found covered in swastikas less than one day after it announced swastikas and nooses would no longer be considered hate symbols.

According to our sources at the Pentagon, the decision to split ties with the nation’s premier coastal defense organization was due in part to the five-sided building’s leadership’s decision to break from two-and-a-half centuries of apolitical standing.

“I don’t want to name any names but there are some people here in the C-suite that doesn’t believe the military should remain politically neutral,” said our source at the Pentagon who spoke to us on conditions of anonymity. “But the truth is it’s imperative that we remain apolitical and the Coast Guard’s decision comes at a time where political divisiveness is at an all-time high. Not smart. We may call ourselves the Department of War now, but we’re not actually at war, so, yeah, DHS can have them back.”

Historically, while the Coast Guard is a branch of the military, it has typically fallen under the jurisdiction of DHS in times of peace but can be called upon by the pentagon in times of war.

Kristi Noem, director of the Department of Homeland Security applauded the move, saying she’s thrilled to have more military grade assets at her disposal for supporting Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE, and her efforts to deport undocumented immigrants and political opponents of President Trump.

“I am so happy to have Coast Guard assets at my disposal as we strive toward achieving the president’s vision of a White, Christian English-speaking country,” said Noem, skinning a Siberian Husky she bagged on a recent hunting trip in the suburbs.

As for whether or not she was concerned about the agency’s new downgraded status for symbols commonly associated with Nazi Germany and lynchings of African Americans, the former Representative from South Dakota simply shrugged.

“You should see the tattoos under my agents’ face masks,” said Noem. “They make swastikas and nooses look like children’s toys.”

This policy change has sparked outcry from the public who, just for once, would like a day to go by where fascists, fear mongering, and hateful rhetoric aren’t the central focus of the news and their TikTok For You page.

“Can we just not, please,” said Camryn Rollins, a Millennial beautician who also drives for DoorDash and Uber on the weekends and at night to pay her rent. “I mean, seriously.”

According to a statement released by the Coast Guard this afternoon, the new policy is designed to help strengthen the organization by pulling back on regulations that have historically made it difficult for Coast Guardsmen who’ve been accused of being a bigot, racist, or White nationalist to advance in their careers.

“The Coast Guard has members from all walks of life, and we’re determined to create an environment where everyone is free to serve without fear of repercussions based on their narrow views of racial superiority,” said the statement. “This new policy aims to reword language that has been detrimental to this minority’s ability to rise through the ranks, receive awards, and serve without feeling the need to restrict who they are.”

The statement also suggested the Coast Guard will be taking further looks at other policies that may contain language that is oppressive to this minority group, such as the ability to display the Confederate flag on Coast Guard property and the option to wear a Ku Klux Klan hood in uniform.