Noem tearfully hands over DHS cosplay outfits after ousting

WASHINGTON – Former Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem tearfully handed over the keys to her wardrobe of DHS cosplay outfits today after learning she was fired by President Trump.

Noem’s secret 3.4 acre warehouse of make believe costumes hidden in a bunker beneath DHS headquarters now belongs to Sen. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), who Trump named as her successor (yes, he needs to be confirmed by Congress, but we’d be lying to ourselves—and you—if we pretended the Republican-held congress is not just going to rubber stamp is approval).

“I’m not really sure I’ll fit in any of Kristi’s clothes,” said Mullin. “But given the fact we blew our $350-billion budget on a bajillion half-trained ICE officers, I suppose I could spend a few billion more on alterations instead buying a whole new wardrobe. That’s what you call fiscal conservatism.”

Noem’s departure from DHS caught many people by surprise—not because she was doing a particularly good job, but because the number of people so eager to blindly bend to the president’s will are dwindling by the day as his approval ratings sink faster than an Iranian warship in international waters.

On the other hand, many people were shocked to learn that someone who appeared so utterly unqualified for the position during her nomination hearing in front of Congress, who then rampantly spent money as if she didn’t have a budget, and then led an organization that fell under scrutiny for killing U.S. citizens in the streets of Minneapolis, would last as long as she did.

“She lasted 37.2 Scaramuccis,” said Anthony Scaramucci, former White House communications director during Trump’s first term in office who was famously fired after 10 days on the job. “That’s longer than most people anticipated. Bravo to anyone who bet on the over on this one.”

Noem’s tenure in the Trump White House isn’t completely over, however. In a tweet on Truth Social, the president announced Noem would be taking on the role of Special Envoy for the Shield of Americas.

What is that you ask? We have no fucking clue. It’s a made-up title for a made-up job that, as far as well can tell has no job description other than continuing to whisper sweet affirmations into the president’s ear to tell him he’s doing a good job.

Noem says she’s already planning on creating a bigger, more expensive ad campaign—in which she will be heavily featured in—to teach Americans about her new role in the Shield of Americas, and how she will continue to target non-white, non-Christian people around the globe who don’t bend the knee to the President’s agenda. Sources close to Noem say this ad campaign could cost the taxpayers upwards of $250 million, nearly $30 million more than the DHS campaign that was a driving factor behind her ousting from Trump’s cabinet. Approximately $100 million of that is allocated for a new wardrobe.