Rubio’s sigh of relief has permanently changed weather patterns, scientist say

WASHINGTON – Scientists from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) are warning that a sudden powerful rush of warm air that emanated from the nation’s capital Thursday has permanently altered the world’s weather patterns.

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the source of this “macro burst” of hot air came from Marco Antonio of House Rubio, the first of his name, the secretary of state, advisor of national security, administrator of USAID, archivist of the National Archives and Records Administration, and special envoy to Venezuela, when he learned the president was not naming him the interim secretary of the Department of Homeland Security after Kristi Noem was fired from the position.

“It’s not that I wouldn’t do it,” said Rubio. “It’s just that, over the past year, I haven’t seen my family for more than a few fleeting moments between meetings and overseas trips, and I don’t remember the last time I showered or had a full night of sleep. I’m tired. I’m running on caffeine and adrenaline. I don’t know if I can take on another role. My LinkedIn account has already been banned for alleged fraud because no one person should hold all these positions at one time.”

Rubio also said he did exhale a “breath he didn’t realize he was holding, as if I was the main character in a Supermarket romance novel” when he learned President Trump had named someone other than him to take the reins at DHS, but didn’t realize what kind of global impact that simple gesture would create.

“Yes, global climate change is man made,” said Dr. Tad Crater, NOAA’s resident climate change expert. “Normally, we see this level of change take place over many years, sometimes generations, of unregulated discharge of CO2 gasses into the atmosphere. Mr. Rubio’s pent-up discharge of CO2 has created a generational change to our climate in a single moment.”

Crater believes the consequences of this could result in mass extinctions around the globe.

“Let me put it this way, in Avengers: Infinity War, Thanos used the infinity stones to wipe out fifty percent of Earth’s population,” said Crater. “Rubio’s exhale will likely result in sixty to seventy percent of the life on Earth dying. It’s that serious.”

Upon hearing the news that the inevitable mass destruction of life on Earth will be the result of climate change, President Donald Trump fired Dr. Neil Jacobs, the under secretary of commerce for oceans and atmosphere, and NOAA Administrator, for being “woke” and an “extreme leftist”.

Trump then announced Rubio would take on the roles of Acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Oceans and Atmosphere and Administrator of NOAA, until a suitable replacement could be found.

“Fuck my life,” said Rubio.