U.S. investing $150 million in energy drinks and Zyn pouches

WASHINGTON – A government watchdog group issued a report Friday that the U.S. government has invested more than $150 million in energy drinks and Zyn pounces over the past week.

According to The American Business Society, or TABS, an independent non-profit organization that monitors U.S. government spending, this investment is the clearest indicator that a U.S. ground force invasion in Iran is imminent.

“We’ve all heard about the Pizza Index, which indicates major military action is about to take place,” said Walton Reece, president of TABS. “Pizza is typically an indicator of air strikes or some short-term special operations missions—something that requires people sitting at a desk in the Pentagon, monitoring a situation. But when we see a spike in government purchases of energy drinks and tobacco, we know the brass needs to fuel a large-scale invasion force. To confirm our suspicions, we’ll also be taking a look at revenue at strip clubs and the number of walk-in clinic visits for STD infections.”

To put this investment in context, compared to other large-scale military operations, the U.S. spent approximately $100 million on energy drinks and tobacco prior to the 2007 surge in Iraq, $75 million prior to the invasion of Iraq, and $65.5 million before the invasion of Afghanistan.

“If our estimates are correct, the U.S. is about to launch one of the largest ground-force invasions in the history of mankind,” said Reece.

Reece’s theory of a major military invasion using U.S. troops may not be simple speculation as it’s been reported that President Trump has had private conversations expressing his interest in putting ground troops in the Middle Eastern country.

The Pentagon has not made any indication that it intends to send U.S. ground forces into Iran, but given the Secretary of Defense’s track record of using the military to do the president’s bidding, as opposed to providing level-headed and objective counsel—especially since it appears the President decided to attack Iran not because of any credible intelligence but because he had a “gut feeling“—many experts believe it’s not an issue of if there will be boots on ground, it’s when.

“We’re going to put boots on the ground in Iran, there’s no doubt about it,” said Tad Crater, a Middle East scholar. “And who knows, the next time the president gets indigestion, we may just send the nukes. At this point, the only person who knows what the hell the president is going to do is the president, and Congress doesn’t have the spine to stand up to him and keep the separation of powers that hold our country together in place.”

Crater is referring to the recent Iran War Powers Resolution, which would’ve restricted the president from conducting military action in Iran without Congress’ approval and restored its constitutional duty of declaring war, but failed to pass by a vote of 212-219.

It’s a bold move for Republicans to strike down the resolution this close to the midterms, especially considering military action in Iran is incredibly unpopular amongst voters on both sides of the aisle, and the president’s approval rating as nosedived this year, dropping to approximately 37%, according to most polls.

Then, if you add in the bipartisan hatred for how the Republican-led government has handled the Epstein files and the lack of improvement of quality of life and cost of living for most Americans, this midterm election season is likely going to create some upsets and change the political landscape until the 2028 presidential election.

But if there’s one group of people who aren’t upset about the current state of affairs, it’s the energy drink and tobacco companies. War equals profits. And if the indicators are correct, profits are about to go up, up, up.