National Guard mobilizes to Chili’s, quells civil unrest over Veterans Day deals

BROWNWOOD, Texas – Governor Gregg Abbott has mobilized the Texas National Guard to help local authorities quell civil unrest at a Chili’s Bar and Grille after multiple altercations broke out among military veterans and staff over the restaurant’s Veterans Day specials.

The altercations started around 11:11 a.m., shortly after the restaurant opened for the lunch rush.

“Veterans Day is one of our busiest days of the year,” said Noah Shapely, the restaurant’s general manager. “It’s not uncommon for people to get restless because of how busy it gets, but I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

Patrons began lining up outside the restaurant as early as 9:30 that morning, an hour and a half before it opened to the public.

“I got here at quarter-to-ten, and the line was already stretching around the corner,” said Michelle Hanson, the restaurant’s lead hostess. “I don’t usually smoke before I clock in, but I had a strong gut feeling today was going to be hectic. I smoked two cigarettes as I seriously considered quitting.”

The lobby filled almost immediately after Hanson opened the doors at eleven. Besides almost being trampled by the initial wave of elderly gentlemen in U.S. Marine Vietnam Veteran hats, the first few minutes of service went as well as could be expected.

Things went downhill shortly there after as Hanson recalls standing at the hostess station and becoming overwhelmed by the unmistakable stench of booze in the air.

“It always gets pretty hot in the lobby when it’s packed that tight,” said Hanson. “Body odor isn’t uncommon, but I don’t think I’ve smelled that much alcohol outside one of my sorority ragers before. There wasn’t just one drunk asshole; there was a platoon of them!”

Hostilities began after a short, portly gentleman approached the hostess station and complained that he was hungry and asked if he could order a blooming onion while he waited for a table. Hanson regrettably informed the patron that Chili’s doesn’t serve a blooming onion, that he was thinking of Outback Steakhouse.

This started a chain reaction of outbursts from the veterans as they began chanting their demands for the fried bulb appetizer. They started pushing forward past the hostess station toward the kitchen.

“We were basically tailgating outside the restaurant,” said Keegan Wolff, a Gulf War Era veteran. “We were really drunk and someone mentioned a blooming onion. It was like the General fucking Pershing himself just gave the most badass motivational speech before going into combat. Nothing was going to stop us from getting that onion.”

Within minutes, the kitchen was overrun by drunken soldiers, tearing the room apart like a drill sergeant searching his privates’ lockers for contraband. One person could be overheard commenting, “this place fell faster than Baghdad.”

Knowing his establishment was overrun, Shapley dialed 9-1-1 for assistance. When police arrived on scene, they found the restaurant encircled by a variety of pickup trucks, Ford Mustangs, and Dodge Chargers, all of which boasted official veteran license plates.

“The vets established a near perfect 360-degree cordon of security,” said Brownwood Police Chief Nate Howison. “The fact this random gathering of veterans, all from different branches and eras of service, were able to come together into a cohesive unit so quickly is a real testament to our military and their training. I knew my troopers would need backup.”

Howison called his higher command, which reached out to the governor’s office, and the National Guard was dispatched within an hour.

“You never want to see blue-on-blue action,” said Maj. Thomas Thomaston, public affairs officer for the Texas National Guard. “But the National Guard is always ready to respond to the need of the governor and to protect our community and state from all hostile acts. Even if it is just a bunch of drunk vets who just want an appetizer on Veterans Day.”

The situation garnered a lot of attention both from the news and other customers in the shopping plaza – including diners at the Outback Steakhouse next door.

Thankfully, the ordeal found a quick and peaceful end after the National Guard Troops arrived, due in part by the fact the on-scene commander is a member of the same Veterans of Foreign Wars post as many of the de facto militia.

In the end, a dozen veterans were detained in order to sober up in the local drunk tank and business was able to return to normal with many of the lower ranking veterans being voluntold for KP duty through the lunch rush.

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