Local rapper writes Eminem diss track in last-ditch effort to springboard career

FAIRBANKS, Alaska – A local rapper has made the bold career choice to write a diss track about Eminem, one of the world’s most famous emcees, in a last-ditch effort to springboard his career out of bingo halls and high school cafeterias.

Gregory Goldenstein, 34, also known by his stage name, Lil’ Thug Killa Elite, said his mother is ready to evict him from his basement apartment if he doesn’t start contributing to the household finances.

“It’s BS, man” said Goldenstein. “I’m out there every day trying to make it in this business. My momma doesn’t see that. She just sees me gettin’ high on the couch, eatin’ all the mac and cheese, and jerkin’ it to scrambled porn on the T.V.”

“I love my son, I really do,” said Sheila Goldenstein. “But he’s in his mid-thirties, failed out of community college, and hasn’t held a steady job in over a decade. I appreciate the fact he has a dream but at the end of the day he needs to learn to be self-reliant. I won’t always be here to do his laundry and heat up his hot pockets.”

The Goldenstein matriarch also said she’d been more tolerant of her son’s behavior before her husband, Gregory’s father, passed away suddenly last month from a heart attack caused by an undiagnosed case of Pulmonary heart disease.

“Hermon’s death has been hard on all of us,” she said. “But he was also the sole provider for this family. We’re surviving off his life insurance right now but that’s a well that won’t stay wet forever.”

Goldenstein said he understands his mother’s concerns about money but stripping him of his passion for mumbling into a microphone is only going to set him back from achieving that multi-million-dollar record deal he’s been fighting for.

“Look, I ain’t no idiot,” said Goldenstein. “I know the cheddar don’t grow on trees. That’s why I decided to diss Em. You see what that did for MGK? Ja Rule? Mariah fuckin’ Carey? None of them would have careers today if they didn’t diss Em. This is my one shot. My one opportunity to seize everything I’ve ever wanted. Am I gonna capture it or let it slip? You bet your ass I ain’t gonna let it slip.”

We asked Goldenstein if he meant to quote Eminem’s hit song, Lose Yourself, from the movie 8 Mile (in which he also starred) and mentioned we thought it was a little strange to give the Rap God this level of praise if he intended to attack him lyrically. He looked at us with bewilderment and asked us “What’s Lose Yourself?” then, “I ain’t seen 8 Mile, is it good?”

Goldenstein first discovered his love for hip hop after hearing Vanilla Ice’s Ice Ice Baby when it premiered on the radio in 1990. Over the next decade, he continued to work on his lyrical skills by scribbling rhymes in his notebooks at school and challenging his younger brother Marcus to rap battles in the basement he now lives in. It’s believed his upward trajectory stalled after he choked while performing an original song during his senior year talent show at Hutchison High School.

Later that year, his peers would immortalize his name in the yearbook when they mockingly gave him the senior superlative, most likely to try and be a rapper.

“The haters are gonna hate,” said Goldenstein. But he wasn’t going to let those haters stop him. Since graduating high school, he has dedicated all his time to perfecting his craft. In 2020, he started a YouTube channel and started uploading his music to Spotify which has garnered a mediocre following consisting of his mother, his high school music teacher, and an assortment of classmates who also never gathered enough ambition to leave their hometown. His latest single, Caribou and Glocks, has amassed tens of listens on the music streaming website.

Lil’ Thug Killa Elite admits the climb to popularity has been tough but feels confident that when Marshall Mathers decides to roast him in response to “my dopest song, ever”, he’ll finally get the recognition he deserves. Although he’s yet to finish writing the song—he has about one verse he feels confident is worthy of Eminem’s attention—he’s confidently put his money where his mouth is by taking out a 26.3% APR loan to buy a brand-new Subaru Outback to celebrate his soon-to-be celebrity status.

“The dealer laughed when he saw how low he could get that interest to go and my momma couldn’t believe I could afford a new car,” said Goldenstein. “People said my 300-credit score would hold me back, but we’ll see who’s laughing when I roll up to the bank with that fat roll of record label money in my hand. It’s all up from here, for real, for real.”

There’s currently no release date set for Lil’ Thug Killa Elite’s diss track and we couldn’t reach Eminem for comment. We’ll keep you updated as we get more information.

UPDATE: Due to lack of on-time payments, the bank has repossessed Lil’ Thug Killa Elite’s Subaru Outback.

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