CHICAGO – During a recent press conference, Police Commissioner Dak Harrison, expressed his frustration with the lack of meddling kids willing to help thwart the city’s dramatic uptick of insidious crimes carried out by seemingly paranormal and otherworldly creatures.

This rise in criminal activity appears to primarily be taking place at old, abandoned houses in the city’s suburbs, or upcoming business locations acquired by nefarious methods or built on ancient burial grounds believed to house immense treasures worth unimaginable fortunes.

“We’re not sure why all these monsters have opted to strike our city all at once, but these crimes are spreading my force too thin; we can’t manage them as well as the standard run-of-the-mill crime our city experiences on a daily basis,” said Harrison. “But what I really don’t understand is why there are no groups of young kids or teenagers with a Great Dane willing to risk life and limb to investigate these mysteries.”

Harrison also said he remembers a time when there was always some group of friends sneaking around in haunted areas and getting their curious little hands into the seedy underbelly of corporate America. “Kid’s these days just want to sit inside and play their damn Nintendo and jerk off to hentai, or something. They should be outside riding bikes, getting dirty, and helping the Chicago police department unmask these villains for the greedy, corrupt people they really are.”

We met up with a group of teens filming a TikTok dance to get their perspective on the rising criminal activity in their city and Chief Harrison’s believe kids like them should be volunteering their time to assist the police.

“The police shot and killed my little cousin while he was playing with a stick in his front yard and the murderer got away with nothing more than a slap on the wrist,” said Amaya Greene, a high school student. “And yet, they’re confused about why we don’t want to go rushing into a crime den to try and stop some rich schmuck and his armed goons from trying to fraud their insurance company for a quick buck? No thanks.”

Chicago’s mayor has reached out to the Illinois governor to request a declaration of emergency and to activate the state’s National Guard to help address the situation. According to a press release distributed by the governor’s office, they’re aware of the request, as well as the rise in white collar crime in the city, but isn’t ready to commit their military reserve to handling a crisis which only really appears to be affecting a very small group of people.

“These criminals are dressed up like zombie pirates and alien astronauts and are really only causing chaos for the people in their immediate circles,” said one staffer who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. “Are these crimes serious? Yes. Are they serious enough that we need to mobilize the military to deal with them? No, abso-fucking-lutely not.”

The staffer went on to chastise the police for their inability to stop these criminals without the support of juvenile civilians because “we’re talking about a group of people who think the best way to keep people away from their criminal enterprise is to dress up like it’s Halloween and use overly complicated illusions to scare people who would’ve just left them alone if they’d not made this thing one big charade.”

“I’m disappointed in the governor’s inability to assist their local police departments, especially during an election year,” said Harrison. “But we’re Chicagoans and we’re not going to rest until our city is free of villainous scum who want to turn our streets into a warzone. We will prevail, by any means necessary.”

Editor’s note: Police Commissioner Dak Harrison has been placed on a paid leave of absence after using lethal force against a clown at an 8-year old’s birthday party he presumed was a criminal mastermind and the balloon animal he was making for the birthday boy was actually a gun.

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