FEMA dino-mounted search and rescue squad deployed to Florida

TAMPA, Fla. – The Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, has deployed a new, experimental search and rescue squad to Florida to assist with relief efforts after Hurricane Milton ravaged the state yesterday.

The squad consists of eight highly qualified search and rescue personnel riding dinosaurs genetically grown in a lab specifically for this job.

“These dinosaurs are big enough to carry a single rider and can be harnessed to carry upwards of 1 tonne of commodities such as food or water,” said Harry Douglas, head of FEMA’s dinosaur breeding division. “Plus, they’ve got ol’ factory senses about 10,000 times more sensitive than the most sensitive canine’s, making them perfectly suited for this mission.”

In the few hours the squad has been operational in Florida, the controversial unit has already recovered the bodies of four missing people and rescued 104 civilians trapped in homes which were swept away in the storm.

“Politically, I’m not supposed to appreciate FEMA’s help in this situation because that would, by default, give credit to Joe Biden, so fuck these guys, we don’t need them,” said Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis. “Off the record, though, I’m incredibly grateful for everything they’re doing. They’re out there saving lives and getting to places our trucks and helicopters just can’t reach. Plus, they’re riding fucking dinosaurs, how cool is that?”

Despite the initial success of the team, FEMA’s lack of transparency about the squad caused many civilians to be caught off guard by the prehistoric beasts.

“So, there I was, sitting on my roof waitin’ for a rescue when I hear this weird rumbling sound I’d never heard before,” said Matt LeFleur, a Tampa citizen. “I turn around and there’s a goddamn T-Rex breathing down my neck. I ain’t shit my pants since I was a babe, by lord all mighty my colon came clean in that moment.”

Meanwhile, the first photos of the dinosaurs have caused an absolute shitstorm on Twitter with keyboard warriors and bots feuding over every conceivable conspiracy theory. In other words, a typical day on Elon Musk’s dumpster fire of a platform.

If you’re able to navigate your way through the bullshit, however, the few brave, level-headed souls still on the platform hosted a meaningful and productive conversation about the dinos.

“Obviously my biggest concern at first was about how safe it was to bring dinosaurs back from extinction,” said Quinn Bradbury, a geneticist from Tulsa, Oklahoma. “I’ve seen Jurassic Park, so I know how this could turn out. But it appears they’re well trained and a useful asset for rescue forces. Color me impressed.”

And many people agree with Bradbury after watching the dinosaurs in action, wading through rapid flood waters, hauling heavy equipment for rescue workers, and not eating a single human (there was an incident with a dog, but FEMA is doing its best to sweep that one under the rug). However, with the presidential election next month, many people are concerned about the price tag associated with breeding and feeding these creatures.

“People are complaining that our budget is a little tight this hurricane season, and that’s true,” said Douglas. “But to be fair, a large chunk of our budget went to incubating these Jurassic era bad asses who’ll increase our search and rescue capabilities ten-fold. Plus, they look cool and, as everyone knows, search and rescue is 10-percent searching and rescuing, and 90-percent looking stylish as you do it.”

If this trial run of the dino rescue squad works out, there’s already talk of bringing the team to western North Carolina to assist with the recovery efforts in the mountainous region of the state.

Editor’s note: following an incident following the publication of this story, where a rescue rider was violently torn to shreds and eaten by his dinosaur partner, the dino rescue squad has been ordered to stand down until a thorough investigation can be completed.