Veterans put politics aside to agree the LT on their Iraq deployment was a dumbass

MANCHESTER, Conn. – This Veterans Day, millions of current and former servicemembers flocked to their favorite chain restaurant to snag free meals and catch up on friendly banter with their brothers and sisters in arms.

While Veterans Day is typically a peaceful day of celebration thanks to the Marines being too hungover from their birthday the day prior to cause a ruckus, the political divide in the country had many restaurant owners bracing for the worse.

“A bunch of old, out-of-shape veterans, many of whom require extra oxygen just to survive, may not seem like much of a threat,” said Dan Goldfinch, a Texas Roadhouse franchisee. “But you get a few drinks in those old bastards and start talking politics, and I swear they think they’re 19 years old again, charging up Hamburger Hill.”

To Goldfinch’s surprise, the tension between blue and red veterans was quickly dissipated after someone mentioned that dumbass lieutenant from their deployment to Iraq in 2003.

“Things started to get a little nerve wracking after the first few rounds of alcohol went out,” said Goldfinch, “But everything settled down really quickly after someone mentioned the name Ochoa. They all must’ve hated that guy because conversations quickly turned from economics and women’s rights to fuck that guy.”

What started as a single story between a small group of friends, quickly escalated into a restaurant-wide spectacle of camaraderie as soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines, and coastguardsmen tried to one-up each other with their own stories about that LT.

“A lot of people think the different military branches don’t like each other, but that couldn’t be further from the truth,” said U.S. Army Master Sgt. (ret.) Bill Blume. “Is there interservice rivalry? Yes. Is there competition between the branches? Absolutely. But regardless of what our uniform says above our heart, we’re all bound together by the unbreakable bonds of lieutenant stupidity.”

We interviewed veterans who served during World War II, Korea, Vietnam, the Gulf War, and the Global War on Terror and regardless of their branch of service, they all gave us the same exasperated look of frustration when we asked them if they had any stories to tell about a lieutenant during their time of service.

“Here’s the thing,” said Capt. (ret.) Wilhelm Gerber, a WWII veteran who served in the pacific. “Lieutenants are overpaid privates. They get a commissioned salary but don’t know their dick from their elbow. They’re dumb. I know this because I was one, once. I once got my entire platoon lost on a land nav course because I thought I knew more than my [non-commissioned officers].”

Despite the universal hatred for these junior officers during their time of service, everyone we spoke to today said they still have the utmost respect for the lieutenants they served with because selfless service is still service, regardless of how mentally handicapped they were.

“Yeah, the LT was a fucking moron,” said Blume. “But he was our fucking moron. I don’t care if you’re a republican or a democrat, I’ll fight you if you dishonor that dumbass.”

From all of us at Alpine 6 Action News, we’d like to thank all our veterans (even the lieutenants) for their service. Happy Veterans Day.