DoD says UAPs can have New Jersey if they really want it

TRENTON, N.J. – A spokesman for the Department of Defense has announced the United States is willing to give New Jersey to extraterrestrials if they really, really want it.

The announcement comes after several large, mysterious drones were spotted coming up out of the ocean and in the skies over the Garden State, leaving the internet and government officials baffled.

“We’re not saying its aliens, but if it were, the U.S. government is willing to offer New Jersey to our interplanetary visitors as a peace offering,” said Air Force Maj. Gen. Patrick S. Ryder, the Pentagon press secretary. “We’re not really sure why they’re so interested in New Jersey, but they’re more than welcome to it if they really want it. No one here does, that’s for certain.”

Ryder went on to say the government has witnessed a sharp decline in New Jersey’s value as its pizza has slipped in national rankings, coming in fourth behind Chicago, New York, and New Haven, Connecticut, respectively. Tourism is also down after MTV canceled the Jersey Shore, the New York Jets are widely considered the laughingstock of the NFL, and the Giants have become irrelevant ever since Eli Manning retired.

“Look, we’re not saying New Jersey is completely shit,” said Ryder. “But the shitty parts definitely outweigh the non-shitty parts. I stopped at a White Castle on my way to Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst the other day to get a look at these UAPs myself and the place smelled like I’d just walked into the aftermath of a homeless piss and scat orgy. It was gnarly, man.”

While many people, particularly from New Jersey, have blasted the Pentagon’s degrading depiction of the state and its willingness to be hand it over to whomever is behind these unexplained aerial phenomena, many experts believe it’s New Jersey’s shittiness that’s so appealing to the extraterrestrials.

“Although we’ve been unable to make communication with these craft, their behavior seems to imply that they’re attracted to the absolute worst parts of that state,” said Dr. Franklin Fontaine, lead researcher at the U.S. government’s UAP investigation program. “I mean, in all the movies, aliens are attracted to our most prized national landmarks to destroy them—the Golden Gate Bridge, the White House, etcetera. But these guys are just lingering around New Jersey. Who the fuck would want to do that? There must be something there that they’re attracted to, and, through deduction, we can only assume it’s everything the human race hates about that place. Which is, well, basically everything.”

In an interesting turn of events, the emergence of extraterrestrial life doesn’t have UAP conspiracy theorist running around telling everyone, “we told you so”, citing the events as rather lackluster.

“Ever since I was a child, I had imagined this grandiose moment when we made first contact with an alien species,” said Craig Somerville. “I thought it would be this magical event that would unite people around the world in this amazing solidification of humanity. Instead, there’s been so much crazy, stupid shit going on the last several years that the discovery of intelligent, space-faring life is just another unprecedented moment in a sea of unprecedented moments. This sucks, I don’t want to be on this planet anymore.”

Somerville also said he’s also beginning to doubt whether or not the drones do not belong to the U.S. military and the government is flying them to distract Americans from some other truth they’re trying to hide. He cites the convenient timing of the news coverage of the UAPs aligning with the arrest of Luigi Mangione, the alleged killer known as The Adjuster for killing UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson.

“For years the government has been silent about the existence of UFOs and UAPs,” said Somerville. “Now, this kid gets arrested after capping a CEO and all of a sudden it’s, “look at all these UFOs, they totally exist”. I wouldn’t be a very good conspiracy theorist if I didn’t at least float the idea that this whole thing isn’t some major government psyop to distract us from a truth they don’t want us to know.”

At this time, the pentagon is not releasing any additional information about the UAPs, which isn’t surprising because the bureaucracy and red tape involved in allowing them to put out a simple press release basically takes an act of congress. But they’re definitely 100-percent sure it’s probably, most likely nothing we have to worry about.