Trump blames DC plane crash on Mutants, vows to disband X-Men

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a slew of late night ramblings on his Truth Social account, President Donald Trump is now blaming mutants for the deadly crash between a civilian airliner and military Blackhawk helicopter on Wednesday, killing 67 people.

He continued by promising the American people he would order the federal government to freeze all funding for Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and its secret private military of mutant warriors known as the X-Men.

“Three words: mutants are dangerous,” said Trump. “There are even rumors of mutants so powerful that they can enter our minds and control our thoughts, taking away our God-given free will. Now I think the American people deserve the right to decide if they want their children to be in school with mutants. To be taught by mutants! Ladies and gentlemen, the truth is that mutants are very real, and that they are among us. We must know who they are, and above all, what they can do!”

This latest round of blame-game antics comes on the heels of Republican lawmakers blaming everything from queer and black people to people with physical and mental disabilities, literally anything except the possibility that faulty equipment or manmade errors could’ve led to the deadly accident.

Twitter (we will never call it X) erupted with conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory about what could’ve gone wrong. One person pointed out with incredible enthusiasm and absolutely zero evidence that the cause was obviously a Japanese Kamikaze inspired hit because, of course it was. Others were quick to point out that it was an eerie coincidence that FAA Director Mike Whitaker resigned his post when Trump took office and the president’s hiring freeze made it impossible for Reagan International to hire new air traffic controllers before the fateful crash.

Experts, however, warn of the dangers of spreading dis-and-misinformation surrounding the event.

“Whenever something bad happens, it’s easy to point fingers and play the blame game,” said Wallace Wallace, an aviation expert with the misfortune of having the same first and last name. “But the fact of the matter is there are families and friends who’re looking for answer, and rightfully so. But until we can get to the bottom of this, find the truth, spreading rumors will do nothing but cause additional pain and suffering for those struggling right now. So please, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up and let the experts do their jobs.”

While most rationally minded people agree with Mr. Wallace, the people to the extreme left and right continue to not give a single flying fuck about anyone but themselves and their narrative. But this doesn’t mean some of those people are not rightfully pissed off at being a scapegoat for a disaster they had nothing to do with.

“I was just trying to eat a microwave burrito and jerk off while using my x-ray vision powers to watch the female students frolic in the locker room downstairs when, all of a sudden, a brick gets tossed through my window with a death threat poorly scribbled on a piece of paper,” said Hank Kindred, a student at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngers who also goes by his superhero alias Doctor Abnormal. “Like, c’mon man. The sheer volume of Kleenex on my floor should be enough of an alibi to show that I had nothing to do with that crash. I can also attest to the location of just about every female student and faculty member during that time, too. Stop blaming us for your problems.”

Despite the lack of any evidence and the investigation still in its infancy, that hasn’t stopped the president or his billionaire lacky, Elon Musk, from threatening to pull the funds from the school. It’s a power move many experts believe will test the reaches of Donald Trump’s executive powers. If he’s successful in defunding Xavier’s, many experts believe he’ll target the entire Department of Education next—just one of the insane campaign promises he looks to keep.

“Defunding the entire Department of Education will create such instability in our education system,” said Francine Dougherty, an educator with more than 50 years of experience. “The president campaigned on sending schools’ curriculums back to the states and towns. That sounds all well and good, but that’s already what happens. The Department of Education provides money to schools in low-income communities and for special education to make sure every child has an equal opportunity to receive an adequate education. Losing that funding will mean many children will not be able to get any kind of schooling that will allow them to move up-and-out of their current economic situation. But, maybe that’s the point.”

As far as Xavier’s School for Gifted Children is concerned, they’re not worried about the funding, as they can privatize their mutant militia to make ends meet.

“There’s always a conflict going on in the world, the oligarchs and wealthy elite will make sure of that,” said Prof. Charles Xavier, founder and headmaster at the school. “I had hoped we could use our powers for good, but if the United States government insists on obliterating our education system in order to create mindless drones to continue filling their coffers, we’ll simply outsource to the highest bidder—or the bidder who best aligns without commitment to create a world that’s safe for humans and mutants alike.”

With the turbulence happening in Washington right now, it’s impossible to know what will happen until it happens. So, make sure to follow Alpine 6 Action News to stay in the loop.