Popey McPopeface? Vatican to let the internet decide next pope’s name

VATICAN CITY – In an effort to drum up more interest in the Catholic church with young people, the Conclave in charge of selecting the next head of the Vatican is turning to the controversial practice of allowing people on the internet decide what the next Pope’s name should be.

Traditionally, the incoming pope chooses his new name, changing it from his birth name to honor saints or previous popes, to symbolize a new beginning and their commitment to the Catholic church, or to hide his true identity from the police investigating child abuse.

For example, Pope Francis was born Jorge Mario Bergoglio, but changed it to Francis when elected pontiff to honor Saint Francis of Assisi, a 13th-century Italian saint.

According to a Vatican spokesperson, the decision to allow the public to name the next pope is part of a broader reformation of the church to modernize and connect with a younger generation who’re more digitally driven.

“We really think this initiative will connect the Catholic church with younger millennials, Gen Z, and Gen Alpha, all of whom are part of this growing digital age who get their information from apps and websites rather than traditional news platforms like Sister Mary’s weekly printed newsletter or Cardinal John’s coffee hour on Tuesday evenings,” said Bishop Tony Holland, a self-described analog enthusiast and the brainchild behind this new initiative.

Holland, who clearly never heard about the Boaty McBoatface fiasco back in 2016 when Natural Environment Research Council (NERC) asked the public to help name its £200 million polar research vessel, also said the Vatican is looking to hire dozens of personal trainers to help the church’s elderly leadership limber up to participate in TikTok dances, “whatever the heck those are.”

Despite the inevitable fallout from this decision, news of the church’s new democratic naming process has actually garnered quite a lot of buzz from both hardcore Christians and trolls alike. Some of the early contestants include some rooted in tradition, such as Pope Aaron, named after Aaron of Aleth, a hermit, monk, and abbot at a monastery on an island off the coast of France. Others were more personal, like Pope Bruno, named after the submitter’s favorite pet dog who’d passed away.

However, with little surprise, the trolls’ names have topped the leaderboard by garnishing the most public votes. Here are the top ten names submitted, so far:

• Pope Comcast from Xfinity – Save big with an Unlimited mobile line included for a year with 300 Mbps or faster Xfinity Internet. Upgrade to a Premium Unlimited mobile line for $10/mo more for your first year. *sponsored by Xfinity
• Pope Poo Poo Pee Pee Pants – because who doesn’t love alliteration?
• Pope Jeff – not to be confused with Geoff.
• Pope $1.50 Costco Hotdog and Drink Combo meal – honestly, this deal deserves sainthood, if nothing else.
• Pope Jesus – named after the son of God? Nope. Saint Jesus Malverde, the patron saint of drug dealers.
• Pope Goodboy of Guinefort – named after the cult of Saint Guinefort, the dog saint.
• Pope Anesthesia – because going to mass is boring and makes you want to fall asleep.
• Pope Luigi – named after alleged UnitedHealthcare CEO killer, Luigi Mangioni
• Pope Subaru Outback – the submitter specified they only wanted this name chosen if the Conclave elects its first lesbian pope.
• Pope Neverending Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks – the Vatican is in Italy and what’s more Italian than Olive Garden?

After Pope Francis, who passed away earlier this week, is laid to rest, the Conclave of cardinals will elect his successor. While, technically, any male who has been baptized by the Roman Catholic church can be appointed as pope, according to reports, these are the people who’re in the running to head the Catholic church:

• Cardinal Peter Erdo, archbishop of Budapest, Hungary
• Cardinal Fridolin Ambongo, archbishop of Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo
• Cardinal Mario Grech, secretary general for the Synod of Bishops
• Cardinal Pietro Parolin, the Vatican’s secretary of state
• Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa, Latin patriarch of Jerusalem
• Cardinal Luis Tagle of the Philippines
• Cardinal Matteo Zuppi, archbishop of Bologna, Italy
• Cardinal Anders Arborelius, archbishop of Stockholm, Cardinal Gerald Cyprien Lacroix of Quebec

Pope Francis’ funeral is scheduled for April 26, 2025. Following his burial, the Conclave will begin its election process. If you want to weigh in on the next pope’s naming, make sure to head over to their website and get your vote in. The voting will end as soon as we see white smoke billow from the Sistine Chapel.