ARLINGTON, Va. – The U.S. Army announced that it has successfully met its fiscal year 2025 active duty recruiting goals four months early thanks, in part, to a marketing campaign that highlights the Army’s promise to send you as far away from the United States as possible.
In total, the Army has enlisted more than 61,000 future soldiers, which is a whole hell of a lot of people who’d rather risk their lives on a battlefield halfway across the globe than stick around here any longer.
“I’m honestly surprised by how many people were ready to sign up this quickly,” said Sgt. 1st Class Patrick Rodriguez, an Army recruiter out of Tampa Bay, Florida. “These people really, really want to get the fuck out of here. So, when I told them they could possibly be stationed in Germany, Italy, or even Korea, they threw themselves at me faster than that toothless hooker I met at a strip club just outside the gates at Fort Bragg. I didn’t even need to offer them any bonuses, or anything.”
We caught up with a few recruits enlisted by Rodriguez to get a better understanding of the mindset these young men and women as they enter military service and their responses practically mirrored what the recruiter said.
“Bro, no cap, this wasn’t even a hard choice, yo, for real, for real,” said Pvt. Emelio Gomez and heavy wheel mechanic whose first duty station will be Fort Johnson, Luisiana. “You’ve seen the shit going down ’round here, right? Shit, livin’ in the rubble remains of a toppled regime seems like an upgrade if you ask me. Less bullshit, too.”
“My uncle was deployed to Syria, and he said he once bought twenty-five pizzas to hand out to people for about $5,” said Chandra Conner, a future combat medic heading to Fort Irwin, California. “In America, I can’t even get out of the grocery store with a pack of ramen noodles and a bottle of water for less than $20. I’m not an economist, but it doesn’t take a Gordon Ramsey to understand this makes financial sense.”
According to multiple studies, more young Americans want to leave the United States today than at any other point in the country’s history. The major contributing factors to this shift in mentality are the lack of affordability, lack of basic human rights for marginalized communities, overly expensive healthcare, and the overt push for authoritarianism and overreach from the executive branch of government.
“Illegal border crossings are down nearly 94%,” said Mario Banca, a U.S. Border Patrol agent. “Normally, we’d say this is a really good thing and that my troops are executing their job at maximum capacity. However, I’m starting to wonder if it’s because no one in their right mind would want to come here. The American Dream is dead, and our government is flaunting its corpse around like its Bernie Lomax.”
And while there’s debate amongst our country’s two major political parties about whether or not the U.S. is the greatest country in the world (insert Will McAvoy clip here), the numbers seem to suggest that the land of freedom is slipping in, well, freedom.
According to the US News & World Report’s annual Best Countries survey, the United States was only ranked the third best country in the world. That’s like, second place for the losers, man. However, that may not actually be bad news. Afterall, President Trump has campaigned on the promise that he will make America Great Again and so far, it’s going really well considering the U.S. had plummeted to a very disappointing and very un-American 8th place a few short years ago … during Trump’s first term in office.
Shit.
Well, if you’re looking to speak with a military recruiter to help punch your ticket out of here before the U.S. slides even further away from great, here are some links to help you get started:
U.S. Army Recruiting Information
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