Trump demands new census where only straight, white male Republicans will be counted

President Donald Trump is calling for a new census that will exclude undocumented immigrants, members of the LGBTQ+ community, people with “darker than white” skin tones, women, and registered Democrats to be excluded from the official population count.

This announcement comes as lawmakers in Texas are attempting to gerrymander as many seats away from the Democratic party in the state as possible to eliminate as many potential threats as possible against their messiah’s reign in the White House.

“The president really doesn’t like that there are people in this country who don’t view him as the lost son of God that the holy father really wanted instead of that woke punk Jesus,” said Frank Levesque, a dude with eyes. “By eliminating every demographic from the census except straight, white, male Republicans, Trump is basically ensuring that no one can legally say no to him again.”

The Decennial Census, more commonly known as the Population and Housing Census, is taken every ten years, as mandated by article I, section 2 of the Constitution, to take count of the country’s residents to determine the number of seats each state has in the U.S. House of Representatives. The next census is scheduled to take place April 1, 2030.

Historically, the census has included all residents of the United States, regardless of citizenship status. This includes documented and undocumented immigrants. The president and his entourage of devoted followers have argued that the census should only include citizens because most immigrants have “woke” ideologies like believing all people should be treated like humans.

“The problem with treating these illegals as people is that they’re going to start thinking they have rights and shit,” said Patrick O’Shea, a MAGA disciple. “Could you imagine what Jesus would say if he saw us opening our homes to these bastards? He said, ‘love thy neighbor’, but we all know he wasn’t talking about neighbors who’re here illegally. The Demorats are going to hell for all the woke shit they’re doing. I mean, it’s just funny to me that there are people who think Jews and gays have the same rights as people like me. Gross.”

President Trump tried to have illegal immigrants scrubbed from the 2020 election, but the Supreme Court shut that down. However, in his new term in office, the president appears to be far more brazen in his disregard for the law and the constitution, and the Supreme Court appears to be less likely to uphold the law and bend to the supreme leader’s authoritarian desires.

What does all this mean for the country? Well, if the president gets his way, which it appears he may because very few people in Washington appear to have the balls or backbone to say no to the President, the best-case scenario is the rules get changed and in 2030, the census is changed to exclude residents and, possibly, people’s representation in Congress is fundamentally altered. Worst-case, the boot lickers in the Washington push for an earlier census to try and eliminate seats from the House of Representatives in the midterms, possibly tightening Trump’s grip on our elected officials’ shriveled nut sacks.