Trump’s slightly less evil secret twin brother admits to writing Epstein letter

WASHINGTON – In a shocking twist of fate, President Donald Trump’s long-lost, slightly less evil secret twin brother has come forward to admit that it was he who wrote the provocative birthday letter featuring a crude outline of a woman’s naked body to disgraced financier and convicted sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

Tonald Drump, a 79-year-old who looks uncannily identical to the president, if the president had an outlandishly large mustache, has stepped forward from seemingly nowhere to throw a wrench in the Democrat’s plan to out the president as a pedophile and accomplice of the Epstein.

“I wrote the letter to Jeffrey, not my brother Donald,” said Drump. “I admit I could’ve remained out of the public eye and let my dear brother, who’s the greatest president in U.S. history, I might add, take the fall for this. But I suppose in my quest to try and get into heaven and win a Nobel Peace Prize—which Donald is also very deserving of, I must say—I couldn’t stay quiet any longer. I hope you’ll all forgive me—I mean my brother—and let him focus on Making America Great Again.”

MAGA influencers have used Drump’s surprise announcement to slam Democrats for once again going on a witch hunt to try and defame Trump’s character.

“I told you from the very beginning that Donald Trump didn’t have sex with underage girls,” said Gary Johnston, host of the MAGA Me Daddy podcast. “He said he didn’t do it, and I believed him, and I was right. This is why you should always trust Trump. You can’t trust Democrats. Or Women. They lie and will tell you anything to try and make Trump look like a criminal. And don’t start with that oh, but he has 34 felony convictions bullshit. The media, the deep state, and the Jews are all evil, manipulative swine. I tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen.”

Outside the MAGA sphere of influence, however, many people aren’t convinced that Tonald Drump and Donald Trump aren’t the same person.

“The Trump family has been in the public eye since, well, at least since Home Alone 2: Lost in New York came out, and nobody knew he had a twin brother?” said Damien Louis, a chronic sceptic. “I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but has anyone ever seen Donald Trump and Tonald Drump in the same room together?”

“You can literally see his mustache peeling off during the press conference,” said Tamara Drake, a person with eyes. “It doesn’t take a moron to see that Tonald Drump is Donald Trump. It takes a moron to not see that.”

Despite the overwhelming skepticism surrounding this mysterious brother, the White House is doubling and tripling down on the long-lost brother story.

“It’s quite obvious that President Trump and his brother Tonald are not the same person, anyone can see that,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “For starters, one has a mustache and the other doesn’t. Second, everything is Obama’s fault.”

But it’s not just Drump’s surprise and abrupt arrival and admission that has people questioning the validity of his claims. Many critics were also quick to point out that the letter sent to Epstein for this 50th birthday party clearly has Trump’s name and signature on it.

“Donald’s name? Oh, yeah, I did that as a joke,” said Drump. “Donald hates pedophiles, so I thought it would be funny to use his name on the letter to Epstein, because he trafficked young girls. Not that I know anything about that of course. I never had the privilege to go to his island, but I heard from Bill Clinton and Bill Gates that it was nice. Even that beep boop robot man, what’s his name, oh, yeah, Stephen Hawking said it was a great place.”

In case Drump’s admission wasn’t enough to distract the American people, the White House press office has been going full blitzkrieg with every possible excuse they can come up with as to why people should avoid the evidence of their eyes and believe their version of events.

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, that’s not the president’s signature on that letter,” said Leavitt. “You can easily tell because Hunter Biden is a criminal, and his father hid his crimes from the American people. Also, hypothetically, if the president had written that letter, he would’ve drawn bigger, more silicone-filled boobs than the ones on that page. The president likes boobs. Obviously, the artists who drew them liked smaller boobs. Another easy-to-see example of how the president didn’t have sex with children, or adolescent girls whose boobs would’ve matched the size of the image drawn.”

It’s obvious the White House wants the Epstein story to go away, but it doesn’t appear as though people are going to let it die. Both sides of the aisle are displeased with how the president and his administration are handling this situation. The real question is, what will Trump have to throw at the American public to finally get them to shut up? Maybe some universal healthcare and affordable cost of living? Or will he take the more sinister approach, proving he’s the eviler of the twins, and nosedive straight into oppressive authoritarian rule?

We can probably already tell which way he’s leaning …