Pentagon conducts lethal kinetic strikes against boats trafficking Pumpkin Spice

GULF OF MEXICO – The Pentagon announced today that is has conducted another round of lethal kinetic strikes against boats in the Gulf of Mexico.

The targets of this round of strikes include boats that were allegedly attempting to smuggle pumpkin spice into the United States, according to the Defense Department.

“We have a basic bitch problem in this country,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, following the announcement of the strikes. “Everyone knows this. It’s not a secret. But under the brilliant guidance and wisdom of President Trump, the Department of [Defense] is taking a stand to protect Americans. For every boat smuggling this disgusting drug across our borders, we save 10 billion Americans from becoming basic bitches. That’s not a typo. I said billion; with a ‘b’.”

Critics of the strikes say the Pentagon is, once again, conducting illegal military operations by targeting potential non-combatants with lethal force. According to Article 51 of Additional Protocol I of the Geneva Convention, civilian and civilian object shall not be the object of attack. The Convention also goes on to identify a “civilian” as persons who are not actively participating in hostilities, and are entitled to humane treatment, protection from violence, and respect for their dignity, family rights, and religious beliefs at all times.

“This is very clearly an act of terrorism, not an act against terrorism,” said some nude protestor with the words “The Spice Must Flow” written across her chest. Sorry I didn’t catch her name. Let’s just call her boobs … I mean Barbara. “Everyone in this administration needs to be held accountable for their actions. Impeach. Impeach. Impeach.”

The United States, while often being portrayed as the “good guys” ever since going 2-0 in the World Wars, actually has a somewhat questionable track record of targeting civilians during military operations around the world, with one of the most recently, and objectively bad, examples being when the United States launched Tomahawk missiles at the Shajareh Tayyebeh girls’ school in Minab, Iran, killing between 156 – 170 people, mostly schoolgirls between the ages of 7 and 12.

“Look, is killing school kids bad? Yeah, sure, but you know what’s worse? Basic bitches,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the joint chiefs of staff. “Under the leadership of Secretary Hegseth and President Trump, we’re rooting out evil from our very back yard. And that evil begins at the cartel pumpkin spice refineries and the narcoterrorists smuggling it over our borders.”

Although this is the first documented strike against an alleged cartel boat trafficking pumpkin spike, autumn drink manufacturers are already feeling the effects.

“We began promotions for our classic pumpkin spice latte last week and I don’t think we’ll have enough supply to make it through the month,” said Tad Crater, barista at a totally legitimate coffee shop that most definitely isn’t the front of a drug running business. “And the unfortunate reality of this situation is that if we can’t maintain our normal supply routes for authentic, high-grade pumpkin spice, we’re going to have to look at alternative vendors. I know a fentanyl guy I can call.”

According to a study conducted while we were writing this article, the United States’ new special military operation against pumpkin spice runners is not likely to create any significant decrease in basic bitches around our country. That same study found that while the supply for pumpkin spice is down, despite the demand, the supply for other basic bitch things like oversized sweaters, yoga pants, and Ugg boots are still easily available to scratch that basic bitch itch.