Bestiality Advocates Praise FBI for Finally Removing ‘Outdated Barriers’ to Federal Employment

WASHINGTON — A little-known Maryland advocacy organization praised FBI Director Kash Patel on Tuesday after he defended changes to bureau hiring standards that removed bestiality as an automatic disqualifier for prospective employees.

Patel told members of the Senate Judiciary Committee that the change was intended to prevent victims of human trafficking who were forced to participate in sexual acts involving animals from being automatically barred from employment with the FBI. The change allows the circumstances surrounding an applicant’s history to be considered individually.

For the Organization for the Normalization of Bestiality, however, Tuesday represented something much larger.

“It’s about time someone with some balls stood up for relationships between man and animal,” said Tad Crater, the organization’s undersecretary, speaking from its headquarters in Arundel Mills Mall, Maryland.

Crater said the organization, known internally as ONB and externally by almost no one, has spent years lobbying federal agencies to eliminate what it calls “species-based barriers to public service.”

“Why should an otherwise qualified American be denied a federal career because of one complicated weekend at a petting zoo?” Crater said. “These are the questions nobody in Washington has been brave enough to ask.”

Crater declined to explain why his organization is headquartered inside an office suite behind a Bass Pro Shops or why three of its four registered lobbyists share surnames with popular breeds of dairy cattle.

Vice President JD Vance also weighed in on the controversy.

“Americans should be judged by their qualifications and their commitment to public service,” Vance said. “As long as nobody starts saying loving a couch is grounds to deny someone public office, I think America is going to be just fine.”

Vance then reportedly stared silently at a nearby sectional for several seconds before asking reporters to respect its privacy.

During Tuesday’s hearing, Sen. John Kennedy, R-La., appeared perplexed when Patel explained that previous FBI regulations could disqualify anyone who participated “on either side” of bestiality.

Kennedy asked whether that meant the FBI had also been disqualifying the animal.

Patel responded that the bureau has “great canines” but was not going to disqualify them.

The exchange sent shockwaves through the FBI’s K-9 division, where several German shepherds immediately retained counsel.

Crater said ONB plans to capitalize on the momentum by pushing Congress to expand workplace protections, federal health benefits and designated grazing areas for what he described as “nontraditional interspecies households.”

“This is about equality,” Crater said. “We’re not asking Americans to understand. We’re asking them to stop asking why my wife needs a salt lick.”

Crater said his organization is already preparing a nationwide public awareness campaign under the slogan, “Love Has No Species,” and hopes the FBI decision will eventually lead other federal agencies to reconsider what ONBPFE calls “centuries of institutional speciesism.”

“Our goal is simple,” Crater said. “Marriage benefits. Joint tax returns. Family health insurance. The right to visit your loved one in the hospital without somebody calling animal control.”

Crater then paused the interview to answer a phone call from his wife.

“She wants me home before dark,” Crater said, slipping his phone back into his pocket. “Apparently she got out again.”

Moments later, an Amber Alert was issued for a missing Holstein.

Crater excused himself from the interview.

At press time, a white Ford Bronco was traveling north on Interstate 95 with Crater behind the wheel and a black-and-white cow in the passenger seat.

Police described the relationship as consensual.

The cow could not be reached for comment.